Ever since I was a little girl I had a dream of falling in love, and not just any ordinary and dull love. I wanted the real deal; I wanted the fireworks and the stomach butterflies that never tend to go away, no matter how many times you see them. I wanted the love that takes care of you, the love that tucks you in at night, and the love that makes you feel safe. I grew up surrounded by unconditional love, but I also grew up around empty love. It’s a love that drains you to your core, and walks away from you with nothing to give back.

Being a person that understood a love that failed to give enough, I started to dream and write about a love I wanted, a love that I needed and longed for. I began to put my heart into the hands of boys who did not know how to contain a love that lit their whole world on fire. I got my heart broken a lot, and I broke a lot of hearts – because I was not in it for the fun, I was in it for the love, the love I was searching for.

Time after time I would put myself through sleepless nights, too many tears to count, and I would keep trying to fix the broken pieces of my heart. But I still went looking, and I’m not saying I tried to find a connection with everyone I ran into, but I did hand my heart over way too fast and way too easily. I trusted the wrong people because I thought they would love me like the love people talked about. They loved me but I would experience nights of silence and no response, manipulation, being controlled, and feeling worse and worse about myself every night because I began to believe it was my love that wasn’t enough.

I have experienced a bad love, a toxic love, a draining love, an empty love. I have put all of me into every single relationship, expecting the other person to do the same. I claimed there was something wrong with me, but then I came to a realization. There is absolutely nothing wrong with me. I may love hard and I may love with all I’ve got, but that doesn’t mean I’m not enough. I learned to accept myself, and not beat myself up every time I heard the word 'goodbye.' No matter how many times my heart got crushed on, I got back up and kept looking for that love that fills you up and makes you see the good in the world. But now, I’m choosing to stop.

I’m choosing to stop looking for a love that is not going to come so easily. I’m choosing to stop because I made a mistake these past seven years; I was looking for something that you don’t find. That kind of love that wakes you up with a smile on your face and a human being next to you that is constant. They aren’t flaking, or indecisive; they are staying. That love that chooses to stay, that love finds you. The more you search for it and wear your heart on your sleeve, the more time you waste.

Yes, I know there are seven billion people in this world, but out of that number, there truly are only a few people who can give you that love you are searching for. It’s the real deal, so it shows up on your doorstep when you least expect it. I got attached to the thought that I could maybe find the missing puzzle piece, but that piece isn’t missing, it’s just not here yet.

Here is the thing - I realized over time that each time I would go looking for love, I was also looking for someone to make me whole. I wanted someone to save me, and love me until I believed I was loved. I thought that if I find this love, I’d be complete. I will be OK finally. I won’t be broken and shattered, and I’ll finally be whole and fixed. I never found it because I wasn’t ready for it; I was giving my dismantled heart to people who had no idea how to put me back together, because I was supposed to put myself back together.

Instead of breaking my heart over and over, I should have loved myself every single day and stood strong alone. I had this perfect picture love in my head, but I couldn’t even love myself that way, I expected these people to help me love myself. And yes, that does help, people do make you feel good inside, but when you lay down at night and the true thoughts come out – the self-hate, the self-criticism, the negative comments - all of it would remind me how much I did not love myself. I could not find the love I needed for myself, so I searched for it in other people.

My point is: I’ve chosen to stop looking for a love not because I don’t believe I will one day fall so madly in love and I’ll have found my Ryan Gosling, but because I want to love myself before I’m loved by that person. Because that person I spend the rest of my life deserves the full and complete me. They deserve a love that isn’t selfish or draining, but they deserve that love you always dreamed of. I want to wake up every morning alone until I fall in love with it before I fall in love with them. I need to embrace who I am and learn every part of me before I can love someone else with full intentions.

One day, that love that I dreamed of since a little girl will show up and it will be worth the wait. Until then, I’m going to enjoy finding myself and completing the woman I’m meant to be. I’m going to wake up every morning reminding myself that I’m worth it. I’m precious. I’m loved. I’m needed. And I’m going to firmly believe all of that. I’m going to stop looking for love and start choosing myself.

I hope everyone loves themselves before they love someone else; it will save you a lot of trouble and pain. You are the most important person, and you need to know and believe that before you can trust someone with your heart. Please, do not give up on your fairytale; keep dreaming of that love. It will come one day, but your heart needs love from the one who keeps it alive – remember how worthy you are before you choose love over yourself.