Football. It's a pretty silly game. The frequency in which feet connect with the ball is not as high as the name might suggest, and for half the players on the field, the only difference between the sport and sumo wrestling is a few layers of clothing. Since I'm a warm-blooded, flag-waving American citizen, I thoroughly enjoy watching grown men slam into each other for eternal glory; however, it's not for everyone. Nevertheless, most of us have been to at least one game at Pomoco Stadium, be it by free will or force. Straighten that jockstrap, slap on that war paint, and let's goooooooo Captains!
Ah, game day. The field is painted, the weekend is just about to start, and what better way to kick off your emerging alcohol addiction than pounding Natty's in a parking lot. You've got your Walmart Captains t-shirt on, your school spirit, and you– hold on a second, what are you doing? You've got a job to do! As a matter of fact, you're
A. The mascot
B. Captain of the football team
C. In the marching band
D. A cheerleader
A. The spirit. The passion. The years of sweat stains. You are Captain Chris. As you slide on the head of our Glorious Leader, you prepare to leave the locker room to cheer on the team. As you round the corner, you're tackled to the ground by none other than Big Al from Big Al's Toy Barn. You struggle to push him off, but he's far too strong, and before you know it, you're in his car being whisked away to his apartment complex to spend your days with Prospector Pete and Woody's Roundup. If you watch closely, you can see Captain Chris in the background while Buzz and the gang are saving Woody. You missed the game, but hey, now you're in a movie that has a 100 percent on Rotten Tomatoes. Congratulations, and better luck next time!
B. Put down that beer – you've got a team to lead! You make your way into the locker room, snap some towels at some derrières, and put on your DMX playlist. After getting hyped to some reruns of "Friday Night Lights," you take the field with your team. Go to 1 below!
C. C'mon now, we know we're the main attraction. Sure there are some guys that touch each other on the field for about an hour, but we all know the crowd comes for that sweet, sweet sound of 200 CNU students offering the finest musical experience this side of the peninsula. As you glide across the field, you ace that B above the staff as you wink at your legions of adoring fans who've come to marvel at the pictures you construct with the rest of the band. As you exit the field, you're greeted by Professor Lopez, who saw you tailgating while you should have been at practice, you heathen. Oh well, band's for nerds anyway. Better luck next time!
D. Like, omg, you're on the cheerleading squad, duh. How could you, like, forget that? Is what you would say, if you were in a 90's B-movie. In the real world, you're a hard-working, integral member of the game-day experience, and you put in just as much time and effort as the football team in order to craft the best possible atmosphere for fans and players alike. Unfortunately, this isn't the path you needed to take, but just know that I appreciate your work cheerleading team (and my phone appreciates yo numbahhhhhhhs). Better luck next time!
1. As you make your way to midfield to meet the captain of the other team and to put your coin-calling skills to the test, a thought runs through your head: Am I really the captain of this team?
A. You, reading this article right now, are the actual captain of the team
B. You, reading this article right now, are not the actual captain of the team.
A. Wait, really? Oh man, that's so cool! Hey, I just want to say that y'all do a great job out there, I think you play the ball well and you've got a dominating on-field presence. Man, the captain of the football team, reading MY Odyssey article. That's pretty sweet. I'm writing this on a Friday night right now, so I know you and your boys are going to get it done tomorrow, just gotta play smart football. Well, I need to wrap this up, but it's great getting to talk to you. Also, if it wouldn't be too much trouble, I could use a new football. How about next time we take it to the house, you toss me the rock. I'm in the back of the band playing trombone, if you just throw it up there I'll catch it. Thanks! Oh, and better luck next time!
B. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! THIS ISN'T A JOKE, HOW DID YOU GET THIS FAR IN THE PROCESS AND NOT REALIZE THIS?! Oh jeez, we're in big trouble now, aren't we? You don't know a thing about football! Ok ok, you're right, we just have to play it cool, that's all. It's just a game, it can't be that hard. We're gonna get through this together. Go to 2 below!
2. You shake hands with the other team, and the ref flips the coin. You call:
A. Heads
B. Tails
A. It's tails. Oops. Better luck next time!
B. Tails never fails baby! Go to 3 below!
3. See? Everything's falling into place already, just gotta sneak off into the locker room and forget this whole thing ever happened. Not so fast! As you were strutting on the sideline, feeling pretty proud of your ability to correctly guess how a coin will land, the coach grabs you by the face mask and barks out the next play, while simultaneously shoving you onto the field. As you enter the huddle, your teammates look earnestly at you for guidance. Naturally, you:
A. Relay what the coach said to you, and attempt to run the play
B. Make up your own play instead
C. Feign an injury so you can get out of this nightmare
D. Start up a CNU chant
A. Well, if ten people know what's going, what will it matter if only you don't? "Blue 32, Blue 32," you repeat to your teammates. They seem confused, but clap their hands and line up in formation anyway. You line up behind center (that's the guy who gives the ball to the quarterback), and yell, "Hike." You spin to hand the ball to your running back, only to realize that no one is there. Little did you know that you're running a QB Draw, which involves holding onto the ball and running towards the end zone, which would explain why your teammates were confused that you're running said play on first down from your own twenty yard line. Panicked, you run instead out of your own end zone, providing the other team with two points. The boos are deafening, but you just keep running, first out of the stadium, and then out of Newport News, and then across country a la Forrest Gump. Enjoy being on the local news, and better luck next time!
B. What did the coach say again? It was a color and then a number, but which ones? "C'mon man, what's the play?" inquires your tight end (hehe). The quick thinker you are, you devise a play of your own, and after a few seconds, you line up behind center and snap the ball. You then proceed to tuck the ball under your shirt, and shrug your shoulders in confusion. Where could the ball be? Little do they know that the ball is under your jersey, you sneaky dog. Suddenly, in a moment of clarity, you remember that this is not a children's cartoon, and the last thing you remember before you get knocked unconscious is Frankie Fraternity shaking his head disapprovingly at you (oh yeah, Frankie's the star wide receiver). Better luck next time!
C. Just as the ball is about to snap, you grab your hammy and collapse to the turf, rolling in pain. "It's real bad," you inform the team doctor, and as you're carted off the field, your weak thumbs up is met with thunderous applause from the student section for being so brave. As you lay in the locker room, the doctor tells you that your injury is too severe to ever walk again, and you'll need a wheelchair your whole life. Not wanting to back out now, you play along with the doctor, and become confined to a wheelchair for the rest of your life. This is much better than admitting you were clueless. Chumps. Better luck next time!
D. You're running out of options, so you resort to the old standby. As the crowd grows quiet, and you stand behind the center, you turn to the stands and, ever so quietly, chant "CNU. CNU. CNU." At first, no one reacts, but like moths to a flame, the crowd begins to pick up the chant, growing in volume and intensity by the second. You're carried off on the shoulders of your peers as fireworks explode in the sky behind you. This results in your team forfeiting the game (since, you know, they're carrying you off the field), but for 10 glorious minutes, you're the king of campus. Congratulations, and Go Captains!
