I can't find happiness outside of my relationship, what do I do?
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I'm The Girl Who Can't Find Happiness Outside Of A Relationship And I Don't Know How To Fix Myself

Everyone around you is in a relationship.

I'm The Girl Who Can't Find Happiness Outside Of A Relationship And I Don't Know How To Fix Myself
Katarina Solovey

Everyone around you is in a relationship. One of your best friends is engaged at the age of 20. You can name at least six of your Facebook friends who are married, engaged, and/or have a baby.

But not you. Nope, not you. Because why would the universe want to give you all this wonderful love that you definitely deserve? It just seems like you're not meant to be happy.

But that's where your problem lies. You rely too much on a relationship to make you happy....but you don't know how to find happiness without a relationship.

You have this belief that a relationship would complete you, and you can't get out of it.

And that's me. My past two relationships were heavy but good. They were good relationships.

The first of the two happened freshman year of college. He was my first love. He was my entire world. The light of my life. My happiness.

I saw a future with him. Then summer ended, and so did the relationship. He never gave me a straight reason as to why.

He told me that he just lost feelings for me, but I found out eight months later that he left because my parents had rules. And those rules included not being able to spend the night at his house.

He broke up with me the first week in August, and three weeks from then I'd be moving back into college. I'd have freedom then, and be able to do what I wanted without supervision, but he was already so sick of my parents that he couldn't wait those three weeks.

It left me heartbroken. I spent literally the entire following school year lonely and miserable. And it sucked. I didn't know how to fix myself. I didn't know if I could fix myself.

By June, a kid I graduated school with slid into my DMs. We dated for about two weeks, but it didn't work out.

Then, I started talking to my most recent ex. We started to hang out, and we clicked instantly. It felt like a miracle. For context, I found him on Tinder in May of 2018.

We kind of talked then but didn't really talk much at the time. While I was dating that other guy for those two weeks, that guy from Tinder (my most recent ex as of right now) hit me back up. So once those two weeks ended, we started talking.

I instantly felt a very strong soul connection to him the first day we hung out. My heart physically hurt when I had to leave the first day. It was like love at first sight.

By the third time we hung out, we became official. It may have been rushed, but I was so scared of rejection at the time that I wanted to secure him before he changed his mind. This was around mid-July.

He was gonna be my next love, I knew it. Maybe even my final love. My entire world.

He called me his entire world, too. He was the most adorable human being I have ever met, and even my friends saw only good things coming out of this. He was perfect.

He lived in the town I went to college in, so everything would be perfect (he moved here and moved in with his aunt. He was originally from across the state).

I'd have a car on campus this year, so I could go to his house whenever I wanted, and he could come to my apartment. I was counting down the weeks until this could happen (it wasfive5 weeks from the time we met).

The week or two before classes started back up, things seemed off with him. It felt a little distant. I didn't know what to think, but I know for sure I thought things were going to work out.

He suddenly stopped talking to me. I was in denial about it, so I thought maybe his phone broke. Two weeks went by. I contacted his aunt.

She had told me that he went back from where he's from. She said she didn't know if or when he'd be coming back. I was devastated. Why wouldn't he tell me that?

I thought maybe we could find a way to work it out long-distance.... until I checked his Facebook profile. He had removed our relationship from his profile. This was when the heartbreak really set in.

I had a rough next couple of weeks. I found it so hard to believe that he would do that to me. Even now, I question whether he feels bad about it, if he planned on coming back here, why he didn't wanna tell me.

I question why he went back in the first place. Was he moving back there? He always talked about how much he hated where he was from. I question whether he had it planned for a while, and why he would get into a relationship with me if he knew he'd be moving back home, if that was the case.

What hurt the most, though, was the fact that the FIRST day we met, he said he hoped this would turn into a long-term relationship... but it barely lasted a month.

I was just really confused. And I still am. It still hurts. And that's okay. It's okay to hurt.

I'm the girl who always gets her heart broken.

I'm surrounded by relationships, engaged couples, married couples, couples with babies, and they're all my age. The fact that all these couples are my age, and they already found their person, makes me feel like I'm never going to find MY person. When is it my turn?

It feels like I'm never meant to find the person I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with. I'm the girl who can't find happiness outside of a relationship.

And I don't know how to fix myself.

I'm probably gonna keep looking for relationships, and keep getting my heart broken, because I'm too afraid to leave it up to fate out of fear of never finding true love.

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