We all know that guy. Every girl has at least one. Maybe you recently met him through a mutual friend; maybe you’ve known him a long time. But at some point you fall for him. He tells you straight up from the beginning he is not looking for anything serious, and he’s probably not looking for anything at all. However, you are convinced you can change him. You invest time and energy and all of your heart into "changing" this boy who in the end will break your heart.
This is a painful process one of my best friends just recently went through, after investing years of her life into someone who she believed would change their mind. I’ve been there too. In fact, I’ve been there multiple times because I have such a "fixer" personality type. I tend to gravitate towards people who I believe need help or need to just meet that one person who changes their mind. But I cannot be that for anyone, because people cannot be changed. Especially people who do not want to.
Let me backtrack a little and give you an example of exactly what I’m talking about. Coming up on two years ago, I went to a party at a friend’s house. At that particular party was a guy, who I knew only because he had gone to high school with my two friends who were hosting the party. We hit it off that night, and from the very beginning, this guy made it clear to me he was not looking for anything serious, or anything even remotely close to a relationship. I, on the other hand, had just gotten over a pretty serious breakup and was feeling ready to try dating again. The first warning sign should have been that we wanted very different things—he a casual fling and I, a serious relationship. But I ignored him. I ignored him because I was convinced that maybe he didn’t know what he wanted, maybe he just needed me to show him.
As time went on, we spent more time together. We got to know each other better and I felt myself falling for him. He told me he felt the same way, but reminded me again that he was not looking for a relationship, even though we honestly acted like we were in one. People who hung out with us tended to assume we were. I had convinced myself that I was close to getting through to him, to showing him that a relationship with me was what he really wanted. Then the inevitable, but heart wrenching happened. He told me there was someone else he was interested in. Someone he wanted to possibly pursue things with.
I was absolutely heartbroken. I had allowed my feelings to flourish, and I would not be lying if I said I loved this guy very wholeheartedly. So I could not comprehend how he could possibly do this to me. I could not understand why I was not enough for him. Why was she enough for him? Why would he change for her? And that, that right there is the most damaging thing about investing in someone who has made it clear they are not at that point. You begin to question your own value when it’s all said and done.
My friend, who just recently experienced the same kind of heartbreak, begged me to tell her why she was not enough for the guy she invested years in, only to have him tell her he would never feel the same. It’s brutal. It’s painful. But as much as I did not want to admit it in my case, I knew it was coming. But that does not mean I was not enough.
When someone upfront tells you they’re not looking for or ready for a relationship, it could be the honest truth or a cop-out. Either way, they’re telling you from the beginning that you should not hold out for them. Yet I know so many females who ignore these words of caution and charge headfirst into "relationships" destined for failure. It is so, so important to remember that you cannot change someone. You cannot force them to see things the way you see them, or make them understand how great you’d be together. In fact, by investing your time and energy you’re only letting these people have their cake and eat it too. They get all of your attention and affection, but know at any point they can bail because they’ve forewarned you it’s not what they’re looking for.
It’s important to take what people say seriously. If someone says they’re not looking for anything, do not pursue anything further with the intent to change that. Natural progression may happen and things may work out, but please, stop thinking you can "change" people. There are a number of reasons why relationships don’t work out, and there will be other people out there ready to commit with the same level of sincerity as you. Try to be cognizant, and don’t put yourself in a situation like I did where the only outcome is to have your heart broken.
But the most important thing to remember when relationships like these fizzle is this; you are enough. You are so much more than enough. Just because one person does not see your value and worth, or is not able to give emotionally what you are able to give is not reflective of you. It’s reflective of them. You cannot change people, you can only continue growing yourself and eventually you will run into someone who is on the same page as you, and you won’t have to push it. That is well worth waiting for!
