"You need closure."

Three famous words known for making it all better when you have spent all of your time pining over a recent ex-boyfriend. {or not so recent - there's no expiration date on pain} The word closure is an interesting word to me, and I always thought that is only meant one thing: getting to that place where you can officially shut the chapter on something you've been negatively obsessing over - the place where you can finally be free and move on with your life after all questions have been answered. According to Google, the definition of closure is "a sense of resolution or conclusion at the end of an artistic work". They got the first part right, but would we compare an old relationship to artistic work? That's up to you.

But what about those people who don't get closure? A relationship has ended, and you didn't get the answers that you wanted. Hell, maybe you didn't get anything at all. Maybe your ex left you sitting in your room staring at a wall as he uttered the words "I can't do it anymore" after five years of off and on history. And through all of those years, you never got a chance to tell him how his way of ending things made you feel. You're that person who had to find a way to move on with ambiguous endings, ones that only you can try and make sense of to make it all better in the end. It's always been one sided, no matter the situation. There are couples who are mature enough to come to terms with the ending result, and can fully speak about why things ended and how it affected the each person in order to cleanly close the book {to put in metaphorical terms} - but you're part of the percent of broken up couples whom that doesn't happen to. It's weird and messy, and you wish that it was easier - and you can't help but be bitter when your friend mentions her ex boyfriend, saying "No, we actually still talk here and there. Things are cool between us, now". That's never been the case for you.

So here is the question: is it possible to get closure without really getting closure? It's a complicated thing to ask. I think it all depends on the situation, and if you truly want to get on with your life. But in that weirdness, there is this thin line of "moving on" without closure, and still feeling a tug of regret at your heart for not getting the proper closure with him that you needed. You wonder if things would have been different if you actually told him all the things you couldn't when he hurt you. But what if you don't really have a choice? Are we left with that option?

From personal experience, I have to say that it's possible to still get closure without getting closure, but to a certain extent. I've made it really far in my life, and I have survived not getting the chance to finally tell him that I felt like he didn't even acknowledge the importance of our relationship at that time. I never told him how much it hurt that he pushed me to the side like I wasn't a human being, no matter all that we went through with each other. Yes, I am breathing, and I am accomplishing so much now with a better self esteem than I ever had. I've grown, I've become more humble and I'm doing great. I've healed. But I can't help but still feel this anger and hurt in the pit of my stomach whenever I truly think about what all happened - or, what didn't happen {that being the actual closure between us} since the day it all ended. It started out as this gaping hole, and it's gotten smaller as the years proceeded. However, it's still here. It may be small, but my anxiety on not getting closure from him still eats at me in ways I wish did not. I wonder if it'll completely disappear on it's own one day. Only time will tell.

So over all, I think you can get closure if you want to - but it's a certain kind of closure that only you can be comfortable with in the end.