We’ve all had to catch the bus at one point or another. Whether it be for a night out, work, school, grandma’s house or (if your parents really don’t love you and you’re under 18 then) EVERYWHERE.

Prior to my metamorphosis into a fully fledged adult, I relied heavily on Victoria’s public transport system in order to make my way around town. Even now, without a car (and with no intentions of buying one anytime soon either), taking the bus seems to be the permanent solution to my living situation.

So with this lifestyle in mind, and as an avid bus-catcher, I have broken down the skills and tips you will need to happily and confidently jump on your first bus in Melbourne. Many of these abilities can be easily applied in any bus-catching situation around the world; whether you find yourself in Europe or Antarctica. The expertise you will learn in this short course can also be applied to varying situations; such as cars, trams, trains, bicycles or tricycles.

Now for any first timer, catching the bus may seem like an exciting challenge. But let me quickly shatter your spirits and let you know that buses ain’t fun. Bus survival is one of life’s greatest challenges that all unprivileged adolescents must learn to overcome.

OK, I make them sound bad. In all fairness, we should really have a pros and cons list:

Pros:

• Buses are cheap(ish). Cheaper than a car at least.
• Your only real option of public transport if you live in the eastern suburbs.
• SMART buses! A blessing sent from God. Usually arrive on time and have that minute tracking thing so you know exactly how many seconds you have to wait. Also have a lovely voice telling you the name of each stop.
• You may see your friend on the bus.
• The Myki’s look cool. Well, not really.

Cons:

• Non-SMART buses are late almost 100 percent of the time. And the walk to the bus stop is always tragic. Tip: BYO umbrella wherever you go. (Who knows how the weather will change in Melbourne.)
• Sometimes they break down and you have to wait or (even worse) change buses.
• Buses reliably take 1.5 times longer than driving to the location actually would. Even with the beloved bus lanes (another one of God’s blessings), the inherent slowness of the large vehicle often leads to a much longer trip. At a maximum speed limit of 50 kmh, the slow pace of a bus will often make you consider jumping off and taking the walk instead. If you’re late, the bus driver will purposefully take three times longer and the all-too-frequent stops will have you begging for some form of continuity in your life.
• The only time the bus isn’t late is when you are running late to the bus stop.
• Oh, and don't even bother trying to be productive on your long bus ride, because let me tell ya, your usual calligraphic handwriting will quickly turn into incomprehensible smears all over your page.
• You may see somebody you hate on the bus.
• Standing up on buses can cause nausea and possible death.

An experienced bus rider like myself can safely confirm that there is nothing worse in the world than being stuck on a bus during peak-hour traffic. Because unless you’re unusually and extraordinarily lucky, it is highly likely that you will be left standing up, squeezed between a sea of sweating, stinking bodies. As the bus continues its journey, you’ll be jostled around at every slight turn or sudden brake. Unfortunately, you do not have the luxury of taking a nap while standing either.

But never fear, because the unpredictable nature of a bus may, and can be turned into a thrilling form of entertainment. From personal experience, a game called “surf the bus” can be a very eventful one. The idea of this game is to stand up with one’s legs slightly wider than shoulder-width apart, balanced while attempting to stay upright hands-free. The aim of the game is to see who can stay standing the longest. (Better played with a friend than alone, so try your hardest to initiate conversation before diving straight into the depths of the competition with a stranger.)

You may get some strange looks, but let me tell you, there's nothing quite like having somebody fall on top of you while playing "surf the bus" at 6 a.m. to get you up and going for the start of your day. Not only can you play this game on a bus, but this diverse idea can be applied to riding a train, tram, atop a car and even on a board out in the ocean.

When you’re one of the lucky ones who gets to sit down, do not let this opportunity go to waste. If you are anything like me and value your privacy, solitude, and isolation, then you can comprehend the utter disappointment that you may feel if one were to sit down next to you. These feelings are similar to those of claustrophobia, with somebody intruding on your personal space and putting their arms in the "middle ground" of the seat, as it is physically impossible to ever achieve an equal distribution of seat space.

One way to ensure that nobody sits next to you is the classic "bag-on-seat trick." The idea is that your bag needs a place to sit down, as your legs, unfortunately, take up all of the room possible on the ground. During peak hours, however, this conception is heavily frowned upon. Sitting on one side of the seat politely with your bag on your lap will unequivocally land you some company, so the trick is to coerce other humans to voluntarily steer clear from sitting down next to you. Some of the most effective things you can try are listed below:

• Size. If you are physically too large, you may take up both of the two seats. An individual may need to stuff their clothes with pillows in order to achieve this ability – but it will be a rewarding one.
• Odor. Don’t wear deodorant in the morning and see what happens.
• Age. If you’re older, many may feel obliged to give you their seat. Young people can easily take advantage of this conception with a bit of makeup and preparation.
• Pregnancy. People sitting in those seats in the front area are required by law to give away their seats to a pregnant woman. Faking this is easy – any medium-sized bouncy ball will do. (Warning: May be more challenging for males to pull off.)
• Include interesting habits into your daily routine. Make faces, pick your nose and wave your fingers at the passing passengers. Pretend there’s already a passenger sitting next to you and talk to them. “Accidentally” fall asleep across the two seats. Observe your results.

So there it is. You have all my knowledge and can now call yourself an expert bus catcher. Good luck in your escapades within the great moving rectangular prisms/prisons of our community.