Dear You,
I cannot begin to fathom how many times, hours and minutes I have spent trying to come up with the right words to say to you. My brain is convoluted and the emotions are taking over every single cell in my body. So I guess I’ll start off with saying hi, how are you? I guess when I ask that question, a part of me wants to hear you’re sad and miss me while the other part wants to hear you’re happy and content. I have been meaning to send this to you for a while and I finally gained the courage, no, came to the realization that keeping all this bottled in is not doing anything and it is time to let you know what I’m feeling.
I miss you. Not the "I miss you" like come back to me but the "I miss you" as in, I desperately miss who you used to be and what we had together. You were the boy who would walk into a room and my heart would beat out of my chest. The boy who would do anything for “my girl,” even if it was stereotyped as being whipped, but you insisted you were being a great boyfriend. The boy who would pull me in closer if I was not snuggling tight enough against your body. You were the boy I fell madly in love with.
But, that boy is gone.
Your smell used to linger on my sheets, my clothes, and my skin but it has finally dissipated, as has my love for you. I used to crave your touch in the most innocent way. The way your hand would glide down mine as we intertwined our fingers or when our noses gently touched as we were about to kiss. I used to miss the few seconds when I couldn’t catch my breath as you were about to kiss me, the way my eyes closed lightly and my lips were full of passion. Your touch used to set off a fire inside of me. A fire I desired. But that flame has been extinguished.
When you started distancing yourself from me, I knew this was the beginning of our end. I was treated like a queen every day until the day you decided to treat random girls like a queen. But, even then, I never stopped treating you like a king. Our fights got trivial, even the smallest thing got blown out of proportion. We were having more bad days than good and many nights I lay in bed, alone and empty, waiting for your call. You used my secrets and the self-conscious thoughts I told you in confidence against me. My view of myself shattered and I felt weak and not good enough, all because of your insults. But I finally had enough.
I’m done living with the hurt. I’m done putting myself down just because you did not want me. Because I am beautiful. I am strong. I am everything you said I wasn’t and after you put me down for so long, I realized you were just afraid of how strong and courageous I really was. I do not need a boy like you who makes me feel great one day and worthless the next. Because I am not insignificant. I am intelligent, beautiful, brave and so much stronger than I realized. And even after all the heartache and tears I endured, I prevailed and came out with my head clearer and my heart stronger.
You hurt me. I cried (a lot), and ate cartons of ice cream daily. But at the end of the day, I thank you for hurting me. Without you hurting me, I would have never known how to deal with heartbreak or how truly strong and independent I am and how much I really do love myself, flaws and all. And just because you do not love me anymore, does not mean I won't find someone who will. It just means you shut the door for dating boys and opened the door for dating gentlemen. So in closing, I want to say thank you because I would not be the person I am today if you were not the person you were back then.
Xoxo,
A New Me
