72 hours...
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Relationships

72 hours...

I hate you. But I'm still in love with you. I still worry about you. Sometimes I think about calling you just to hear your voice and then hang up just to get me through the day, or pray that I might run into you somewhere and that you'll change your mind. Why wasn't I worth the effort? Why did you have be so cruel about it? Did you break up with your first ex like you did me? How many chances did you give her? I thought I was worth it to you. I thought true love was working through your issues because you couldn't see your life without them. Why was your decision so final? You couldn't even wait 24 hours before wiping me completely off your social media. (who does that?) You left no trace of me. Did you think about me at all? Or just yourself? I never gave up on US because I knew you were the one and I thought you felt the same. Love is never broken. So, was it real? Or did it feel good for the time being? Did someone influence you? You don't just drop someone like that and expect it to be mutual. There is not a day that goes by that I don't ask myself what I could've done differently to make you not leave. Why did I get mad over the dumbest stuff? Why couldn't I just say OK and stop at that? Why did I have to have depression? You made me believe that we could get through anything no matter what. I remember waking up to you and staring into your adorable sleepy eyes as you told me:

  • "You're never getting rid of me"
  • "You're the love of my life"
  • "I want to spend my life with you"
  • "I'm so in love with you"
  • "I'm never giving up on us"

How did I miss the signs that you weren't happy with me anymore? How was I so naïve to believe these things? Was I naïve for wanting to trust and believe you?

You promised me we would grow old together, raise kids together and plan vacations. Maybe you did believe all those things at one point or maybe you didn't. Did you plan on being with me forever or was I just the girl that made you feel hot, horny and entertained? Were you truly in love with me for all of me or just some of me? You tossed me away like trash, left me out in the cold, confused, stumbling, and begging for answers. It was like you turned off the switch and didn't plan to look back. You lied to me. You shattered my trust. You broke my heart. I question if I can ever love someone the way I loved you. You made me believe that by giving you all of me, you would love me through all of my flaws. You made me want to be a better woman in every way, through thick and thin I wanted to be with you because I believed in US and those promises meant something to me. I finally felt the sun in my life. The joy in my soul and undoubting happiness even when we fought. But in an instant, it was all taken away and the dark cloud began to form. You turned off the switch and became someone I didn't know. The love and care in your voice turned cold and stern. As I sat there crying you offered the same excuse not daring to go in-depth. I felt like I experienced a death. I no longer knew the person in front of me, the person that wouldn't even look me in my eyes. There was no longer love in your eyes, only selfishness. The sex, the drugs, the alcohol, were old to you. Time to move on to someone else, I'm getting bored. You strung me along like a puppet, I waited at your beck and call and did everything in my power to make you happy even when I fucked up and I felt like I didn't deserve you. You let me believe that I found the man that God sent and that you were the love of my life. I was one of the lucky ones that found true love. Finally, a man that came into my life CHOSE ME and wanted to stay forever. He saw my flaws and mistakes and still wanted to grow with me and I wanted to do the same. But, your love was only temporary. You woke up and decided not to choose me anymore. My biggest fear came true.

I can't lie and say that I never thought about calling it quits especially during our most intense arguments when I walked out but, realizing that the woman I was becoming with you was an indescribable feeling. I knew that whatever we went through was only a small hurdle. Our souls were connected and nothing could tear us apart from being together because true love is never broken. (I wish we had the same definition of love).

Thought: At what point do you fight for what you want? What you love? Is it when you have nothing left? If I was the love of your life how was it so easy letting me go especially when my mom was fighting for her life in the hospital? I wish I knew that you only believed in temporary love. Love isn't easy.

Maybe you really didn't feel like you had much to lose so it was easy letting me go the way you did. All that was different was not having someone in your bed and not having to spend so much money.

I planned a surprise birthday party for you! cleaned your house for you, cooked for your friends, helped you move in etc. was that too much? Did I give you too much of me? (look at how many times I have questioned myself). I can't help but picture where our lives would've been like now. The adventures we would've gone on, the stupid little fights we would've had, the drug trips we would've taken and the growth in ourselves and in our relationship. But I also think about how many more promises you would've made me, how many times I would've cried, made a stupid mistake and all the things I would have missed because I was I wanted to do life with you. Don't get me wrong, that was my choice, I wanted you to always know that I put you first even before myself (which is obviously not a healthy balance, but I did it because you were my person and I loved you). You told me that I made you feel bad about yourself but how could I do that? That was completely in your control.

I found this text that you sent me on the first day of school and paired it with the last conversation we had.

"I can't stop thinking about you and about us. You are the most incredible girl I've ever met and I'm so thankful that you're in my life and that you've been generous enough to include me in yours. I fall more and more in love with you every time we laugh together, every time we make love and every time you roll your eyes at me. You are my person and you make me so so so happy. I love you and just wanted to say this."

"You know what would really be shitty? Leaving my friends to go talk to my ex-girlfriend" You told me you cared but you didn't you just LIED and you're a fucking asshole. Who fucking says that?

I am too weak to fight for my own life. A few days ago, I was ready to say goodbye to this world because not having your love and acceptance was a burden I could not bear. I wanted to hear your voice and see your face one last time. You knew I was struggling very badly. You knew I wasn't sleeping or eating and never once did you feel the need to reach out knowing that all I wanted was to hear or see you. You called yourself "Doing what's best for me" how dare you try to tell me what's best for me? I was hoping that just seeing you that night would make me want to live another day. But I didn't get that. My biggest mistake was calling you because then the cops never would have come to try and save me. I would have slipped away and would have been free from the physical and mental pain you caused me. Then you would've had to live knowing that you could have saved me but chose your pride instead. But go ahead, call me crazy, I'm sure you told your friends and parents how your crazy ex-girlfriend wanted to kill herself because you broke up with her but you swooped in and saved her. Go ahead.

Looking at where I am at this point in my life, the dark cloud has consumed my life. I've turned to alcohol to numb the pain I feel but I realize it's only making it harder. I'm mourning the death of the guy I use to know and the emptiness, loneliness, physical stress, and mental trauma I feel every day made me want to not live anymore. You aren't the same, your heart and attitude have changed. I wanted you to be everything I thought you were and that you made yourself out to be but you weren't. You rejected me in the worst way, so cold, so distant, and so final. I thought we were worth more than that but again you aren't the same person anymore. When I get angry, I find myself hoping that one day you can feel this physical and mental pain of feeling empty, and lonely. Hoping that you wake up feeling sick to your stomach because you can't understand how someone who "cared" about you could be so cruel and cold all a sudden. How you could beg someone to give you another chance and be rejected again without a second thought. Why you weren't good enough to want. Realizing that your foundation of love and trust may be scarred forever. I want it to be my face you see If you are ever heartbroken. I FUCKING HATE YOU

But to begin my healing journey I must not wish bad things on you, I can only forgive you (which takes time). I may not ever get honest answers that I have asked for but it's time to give myself closure. It's to truly love myself again. I'm done blaming myself for things I had no control over. I'm ready to say goodbye to the man I use to know.

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