I tend to be the organized one. The one who balances everything together just so while maintaining the appearance that everything is fine.

It's my favorite facade.

Inside my internal battleground, a different reality exists.

how am i going to pay for this? wait, why did i say yes to helping them? that was stupid, you're going to get nothing out of it. I DON'T HAVE TIME. how am i supposed to maintain a 4.0 and not go crazy? am i really smart enough for grad school? why am i kidding myself, i can't do that. how am i supposed to eat healthy, save money, lose weight, look cute, do well in school, and have friends in all of this? how am i going to pay rent? WHERE THE HECK ARE MY GOOD EARBUDS?

"You're so put together, Mira, I wish I could be like you". No you don't. And I'm not.

"Wow, thank you for taking the time to help me, I really appreciate it"! You have no idea how much internal debate went on to get myself to the point of saying yes to helping.

"School just seems like it's really easy for you. You do so much and seem so with everything". I'm not. I've dropped the ball on several things at work, and the only way I can remember assignments is if I write everything down and keep it inside my computer at all times.

I realize it at 3am, when I'm up too late working on something that doesn't matter.

I see it in the bags under my eyes that never used to be there.

I see it in my hesitation to get out of bed each morning, and then feeling guilty for staying unproductive for too long.

The overreactions to little things, the acne reappearing, the desire to control every aspect of my life from food to school work, something is off.

I've been holding myself to an unattainable standard for years, and it's caught up with me.

Balance is not something I've understood, probably ever.

Only now in conversations with those I'm closest with can I get to the point of admitting "I can't. I don't know how I have been. Can you give me some grace while I figure this crap out?".

Admitting that I don't have it all together has been one of the most freeing things I've done yet. It's happening slowly, making its appearance at random times in conversation with those I care about, and the funny thing is they get it. When you acknowledge the fact that everything isn't as perfect and put together as it seems, people tend to respond in grace and love.

I am the organized one, but telling people I don't have it all figured out has made it so that I don't have to be the organized one. I have the ability to fail and the support to recognize that it will happen, and it will be okay.

It's not the most fun thing in the world, but it's made the difference.

I'm okay, but sometimes I'm also not. And that in itself is okay now.