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Health and Wellness

The Facade

I'm okay, but sometimes I'm also not.

Mira Cleveland

Mar 26, 2017

Rocky Mountain College

Margaret Cleveland

I tend to be the organized one. The one who balances everything together just so while maintaining the appearance that everything is fine.

It's my favorite facade.

Inside my internal battleground, a different reality exists.

how am i going to pay for this? wait, why did i say yes to helping them? that was stupid, you're going to get nothing out of it. I DON'T HAVE TIME. how am i supposed to maintain a 4.0 and not go crazy? am i really smart enough for grad school? why am i kidding myself, i can't do that. how am i supposed to eat healthy, save money, lose weight, look cute, do well in school, and have friends in all of this? how am i going to pay rent? WHERE THE HECK ARE MY GOOD EARBUDS?

"You're so put together, Mira, I wish I could be like you". No you don't. And I'm not.

"Wow, thank you for taking the time to help me, I really appreciate it"! You have no idea how much internal debate went on to get myself to the point of saying yes to helping.

"School just seems like it's really easy for you. You do so much and seem so with everything". I'm not. I've dropped the ball on several things at work, and the only way I can remember assignments is if I write everything down and keep it inside my computer at all times.

I realize it at 3am, when I'm up too late working on something that doesn't matter.

I see it in the bags under my eyes that never used to be there.

I see it in my hesitation to get out of bed each morning, and then feeling guilty for staying unproductive for too long.

The overreactions to little things, the acne reappearing, the desire to control every aspect of my life from food to school work, something is off.

I've been holding myself to an unattainable standard for years, and it's caught up with me.

Balance is not something I've understood, probably ever.

Only now in conversations with those I'm closest with can I get to the point of admitting "I can't. I don't know how I have been. Can you give me some grace while I figure this crap out?".

Admitting that I don't have it all together has been one of the most freeing things I've done yet. It's happening slowly, making its appearance at random times in conversation with those I care about, and the funny thing is they get it. When you acknowledge the fact that everything isn't as perfect and put together as it seems, people tend to respond in grace and love.

I am the organized one, but telling people I don't have it all figured out has made it so that I don't have to be the organized one. I have the ability to fail and the support to recognize that it will happen, and it will be okay.

It's not the most fun thing in the world, but it's made the difference.

I'm okay, but sometimes I'm also not. And that in itself is okay now.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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The Facade

I'm okay, but sometimes I'm also not.

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No, I can't help you.

1. When a customer wants to return a product, hands you the receipt, where is printed "ALL SALES ARE FINAL" in all caps.

2. Just because you might be having a bad day, and you're in a crappy mood, doesn't make it okay for you to yell at me or be rude to me. I'm a person with feelings, just like you.

3. People refusing to be put on hold when a customer is standing right in front of you. Oh, how I wish I could just hang up on you!

4. Having the same conversations over and over again! To be honest I really don't even want to talk to you right now, or have this fake ass smile on my face!

5. Always having to have a smile on your face. I promise I'm not as happy as I may look!

6. Customers not understanding that sometimes, mistakes happen. I am a human being, we all mess up sometimes!

7. Having the boss from hell, it's their way or the highway! Even though I did my job correctly and efficiently, if I don't do it the exact way you do, I'm a piece of shit.

8. Having coworker who don't help out, who bend the rules just enough to screw you over.

9. Having to be at work after closing because a customer is taking forever and half! Not like I'd like to go home or anything!

10. Having shitty hours and more shifts than you asked for. Just because we don't have enough workers, doesn't mean I want to pick up every shift that you cant cover, oh great boss of mine!

11. Not having time for a social life. It gets old saying, "I can't I have work..." Every day of the week!

12. Having that lazy costumer who can't do anything for themselves... no please I'll get that, it's no problem at all!

It's just my face, I swear.

1. When you meet new people, they automatically assume you hate them or are rude.

2. People are constantly asking you if you're OK.

3. After being friends with someone for a while, they confess to you, "I thought you were so mean when I first met you," or, "I thought you hated me."

4. You get told to smile more, but they don't understand how scary that would be.

5. You're always labeled as seeming "judgy."

6. Passing a friend with your RBF in full force and not realizing you just shot them a death glare.

7. Being sarcastic, but everyone thinks you're outright rude.

8. Not knowing how mean you really look until you see a picture of yourself in resting face.

9. Your apologies never sound sincere because of your emotionless face.

10. Your "mad face" scares you.

11. And, lastly, people are constantly asking you if you are happy or having a good time because you look bored to death.

Please hold your blonde joke.

1. "Is Elle Woods your spirit animal?"

2. "Is that your natural hair color?"

3. "Oh wow, you get good grades at school?"

4. "You must really like the color pink!"

5. "You’re probably not into sports, right?"

6. "You must have such a bubbly personality."

7. "Your wardrobe must consist of all things preppy."

8. "What sorority are you in?"

9. "You were probably a cheerleader in high school."

10. "You look like you’re from L.A. because your hair is so light."

11. "You definitely like Pumpkin Spiced Lattes from Starbucks!"

12. "Do you actually think blondes have more fun?"

13. "You must encompass the typical “white girl” stereotype."

14. "Is that daddy’s credit card you’re using?"

15. "So all of your friends are blonde too?"

16. "I’m surprised about you; I thought you would be a lot ditsier."

The world's greatest university meets the world's greatest show.

1. When you get your acceptance letter

2. When you try to figure out how class enrollment works

3. When it’s move in day

4. When you arrive on campus and see all of the attractive people

5. FROG Week

6. When you find your squad

7. When you visit DHall (RIP) or EHall for the first time

8. When you take on way too many credits

9. When you go to your first party at JMU

10. When the rival school shows up for the homecoming game (or any game really)

11. Sunday Brunch

12. When you see the infamous “preacher” for the first time

13. The first snow day

14. Madipalooza

15. When finals week rolls around

16. When you have to say goodbye

17. And when you finally get to go back

Do you have a small get-together or throw a big bash?

1. Your family and friends ask what you want for your birthday, so you give them a list of options.

2. You're super excited about your birthday the week before.

3. Your family flies in town to celebrate with you.

4. Your siblings wake you up.

5. Your friends are so excited to be with you on your big day.

6. If you work, your office might throw a party for you.

7. For your actual party, you plan a small get-together with close family and friends ...

8. ... or large celebration with everyone you know.

9. You eat the best meal you've had in weeks.

10. You devour the first piece of cake proudly.

11. You embarrass yourself somehow.

12. You get the present you really wanted but thought no one would get you.

13. You are a little sad about getting older.

14. That feeling wears off and you realize how happy you are to have family and friends to celebrate this day with you.

15. The morning after your birthday looks something like this.

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