Dear Anxiety,
Due to the length of time we have known each other, I feel the polite thing to do would be to refer to you as an 'old friend'. But quite frankly, this is not the case, nor will it ever be. That would imply a level of respect and basic caring for each other and I am not going to pretend that is the situation.
I have been trying to think of the words to say to you for quite some time, and always fail to bring my thoughts to paper. In reality, this is a letter to myself, which is a hard concept to grasp because I want to view you as an intruder in my life rather than something I have manifested. There was never a moment that I gave you permission to enter my life and I have allowed you to sit on my shoulder for far too long. You have taken away happiness in moments that demand to be joyful. You have taken away peace of mind in moments that require stability. You have broken me in moments where a small misfortune becomes the end of the world.
I would give anything to snap my fingers and make you disappear from my life, but that is not how this sort of thing works. I want to be angry with you for all the pain you have caused me; for showing up in the most unexpected moments, pushing your way to the surface for others to observe and silently judge. I want to understand what I did to deserve your ever-constant presence; to be sitting in a room and feel the walls closing in on me, my chest becoming constricted and my mind telling me, "this is it, this is will ruin everything".
My support system is great and you are not a secret to the people around me. I will not give you that privilege to exist without other people knowing what type of monster you are. But somehow, you still pull the strings of my mind and actions. And believe me, that makes me so incredibly frustrated. I know when you are starting to creep back in with the incessant, "what ifs?" and negative thoughts. You are like a ball rolling down a hill; stacking worse and worse results that could happen from hypothetical situations that have no basis in fact or reality.
You know all of my weaknesses and rip at them one at a time. Then you even convince me that you will never go away, that somehow I married you and it is till death do us part. Wrong.
Where do we go from here, you ask? Well, I can tell you I know where I am going and that there is no room for you along the ride. I am done with you and your toxic abilities, you are no longer welcome in my life. Sorry (not really), it had to end like this.
Sincerely yours,
A happier version of myself
