Living with anxiety and depression is not a straight black and white situation. There are some days where I feel like I'm on cloud 9 and other days when things spiral into the darkest of thoughts. Nobody has the same experiences with these illnesses. I prefer to call them 'illnesses' because they can be dealt with and you can live with them. It can get difficult, especially when you do not have a great support system at home.
I have been struggling for about five years and I won't lie and tell you that it gets better because it never does. I just get used to the depression. Colors are dimmer for me, time passes slowly, and some days I can't even stand up without getting dizzy. A few years ago I told myself that I won't let this control my life. As much as I would love to say that I've succeeded in that, I would be lying. I lock myself in my room some days because I can't bear to let anybody see me with this constant internal battle. Most days it feels like I'm losing and there is no chance of survival. But I push through because those occassional days of happiness pull me to them. I long for the days when I can wake up with a smile on my face and feel confident in myself with a pep in my step. Yes, as cliché as it is, the dark days help the bright days look a bit brighter.
Just because I show up the next day with a smile on my face does not mean that I am all better and back to normal because there is no normal. The only thing I'm certain of is that I'm still going to be on the verge of a panic attack every time I sit in a car. I can be certain that if I am with somebody else, my brain is already working out all the worst possible situations that could occur, sending me over the edge and needing to excuse myself.
It can be crippling at times and I won't deny it. There are days where I will cry for hours on end, to the point where I'm crying from a headache instead of the confusion in my head. I see people smiling and wonder what it feels like to be genuinely happy and not just happy to pretend like I'm not hurting all the time. It hurts when people don't take the time to just ask "Are you okay?" And it hurts when I don't get invited to hang out with friends and my mind is over analyzing and convincing me that they aren't my friends and that everybody actually hates me. It hurts. But I'm still here.
Why am I sharing this? Because if you--yes you, the person reading right now--are struggling and trying to pull through, I want you to know that you are NOT alone. Millions of people are going through it with you. I know it seems like you are all alone and nobody understands but believe me when I tell you that it's all in your head. It's not the same experience for everybody so you're right--nobody knows exactly what you're going through. But trust me, internalizing everything will not help. Drink some water, take a nap, and take a step back. You made it this far, so you have what it takes inside you to keep going.
