Dear Ex-boyfriend,
I am going to try to write this without crying, but I already have the tissue box next to me. We haven't spoken in some time, and truthfully, we may never speak again. But this is for you to read or not to read, the choice is yours. Always has been. My goal is to become a healthy person again and to have success in my future. People mistake success with money and material objects, but I just want to be happy. And I mean happy in the sense of physically, mentally and emotionally. You should have supported my dreams. You should've loved to do things that I loved because seeing me happy should have been enough. You should've been honest and open with me. You should've learned to stop talking and do more listening.
It’s crazy how much one person can affect you. I didn’t think I could feel this way, but it’s now just pain from head to toe. All through my body. The sad part is that sometimes, when I wake up, it hits me that now you are a memory. I realize you will never be lying next to me again, kissing me, or cuddling me saying how much you love me. That's the hardest realization. But everything happens for a reason...at least that's what I've been told lately.
The concept of loss is a painful topic for anyone to discuss. I lost my uncle who was like a father to me and then I lost you, my boyfriend, but also someone who was also my best friend. At least, that's what I thought. The day you broke my heart was the day I thought I would never be the same. I was so upset and, for days after the breakup, I blamed myself. And to some extent, that statement is still true. I am not the same person I once was when we were together. Instead, I am becoming a person that I always wanted to be: a strong and more independent woman. And without you shattering my heart into thousands of pieces, I would never have had the opportunity to pick up those pieces on my own and understand who I wanted to be. So please don't think this is a bitter letter, it's more of a thank you letter. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have been able to change into someone that I know you will regret not knowing now.
I don’t regret dating you. I loved you with all I had and would of done anything for you. But maybe that was the problem, you were my entire world, when you should have just been a part of it. I always tried to be the girlfriend you deserved because I was your first real relationship and I didn't want to let you down.
We created a lot of memories, good and bad. You did accept me for who I was and looked past my flaws, my insecurities, my imperfections, and saw me for me. But we always ended up on the other side and more in love then the day before. Some of those memories were the best moments of my life, and for that, I am thankful. You introduced me to new music, I learned how to cook and bake from everything I made for you and I wouldn’t have learned that if it wasn't for you. Thank you for being my stable home for a while. You knew how hard it was living in my house, due to it being unstable and chaotic at times. But thank you for also ignoring my texts and calls and making me put in almost all the effort. Even though I wanted to see you and was crushed at times by our arguments, those were the moments I realized my need for strength and independence.
It’s been almost 6 months since we broke up, our one-year anniversary passed and I can say I am content. I took my time alone to work on loving who I am, because you have to love yourself before you can ever love anyone else. Once I began to love myself, I became more confident about who I am. Now that I am confident with who I am as a person, I am ready. I realized that the way to get over you was never to hook up with someone else or act like we didn’t happen.
You and I loved each other, and then you broke my heart. I tried everything not to face that fact for the longest time, but eventually you have to face your fears in order to move on, right? And let me tell you, being alone for a while and working on myself was probably the most self-rewarding thing I could have done for future relationships and myself. The real challenge is knowing that we go to the same university now and there will always be that chance of seeing you around, but I don't hate you. As much as I tried to, I will always care about you in some way. I won't have bitter feelings for you or express any attitude towards you, I will just keep walking with my head up high and remember that you are not who I thought you were and that will keep me walking away.
Most nights I went to bed with a smile on my face thinking about how I would spend the next day, next month, or next year with you. The plans we made to go to Norway the following summer. Apparently you didn't feel the same. You went to Norway on Winter break, right before the big break up, and I was still in New Jersey. I definitely think that the distance and lack of communication drew a wedge between us and made us not appreciate one another and we eventually ended up forgetting how we promised that nothing would change between us during that time apart. I even remember that time we were sitting on my bed and you were very emotional. You thought that you didn't deserve me and that I could do better. I found that absurd because back then, I thought it was the other way around. I know I wasn't always honest or willing with you, but I sure was comfortable. I never thought people could change in a short period of time, but I learned that it is possible when you are truly motivated to do so.
I thought I needed someone to depend on; the thought of being alone gave me anxiety. But I now know that being alone, dealing with your own thoughts in a quiet room, well that’s the biggest obstacle/fear that I have overcome in the last few months. I know I will be with some awesome guy one day, a guy that will treat me like a princess, but until that day comes, I am young and in college. There is no rush. The best things come to those who wait and least expect it. I am a strong believer that life has a funny way of working itself out. I will always cherish the time that I spent with you, but I hope that you learned from your mistakes too and put your best foot forward in your next relationship.
Sincerely,
Your ex-girlfriend
