Hear me out before you get weirded out.
As a journalism major, I am enrolled in a communication class that focuses on communication in today’s society (shocking, right?). Recently we touched on this subject that focuses on the dynamics of relationships between men and women. Back in the 1980s, it was very rare that a woman would call a man her best friend. Nowadays, women speak openly about how they have many guy friends, and most have male best friends. My professor asked the question that follows with the idea behind the movie "When Harry Met Sally": Can boys and girls be friends without the sex thing getting in the way? And I am very interested in this complex topic; maybe you will be too.
What do you mean by “sex thing”?
Have you ever heard the saying “boys only have one thing on their mind”? There’s a high chance you have if you have a father or a grandfather (or any wise male figure of any kind) in your life. Because we are human beings with a pituitary gland and hormones and certain organs, sex is a natural part of life. So the “sex thing” refers to the subconscious thoughts we have about sex and wanting sex, or simply put, the attraction to a person that could eventually lead to a romantic relationship and/or sex.
Answering the question… or not answering the question
When I tried answering this question in my own head in line with my own opinions and beliefs, I was perplexed at how complicated the answer is and/or could potentially be for myself and for other people who are very different from me. I identify as a straight woman and a follower of Christ, and in relation to my beliefs and values, my personal answer was yes boys and girls can be just friends. I set boundaries because I believe sex outside of marriage can be emotionally (and sometimes physically) damaging, so I strive to stray from it and anything that could lead to it. I believe men and women are wired differently, that we complement each other in unique ways, and being just friends is very beneficial for both sexes.
But I also thought deeper about the natural, biological tendencies of humans. It’s easy (and sometimes terrifying) to find yourself flirting with the idea that you “like” your friend of the opposite sex (leading into the “sex thing," because you’re attracted to them). Personal history also affected my answer; I was best friends with a neighbor boy when I was six years old. One summer, we had experienced a fantastic play day and didn't want the fun to end even though nighttime was approaching, so we decided to have a sleepover. My dad put an end to that real quick. But I didn’t understand why until I was about 10. Even though my dad trusted me, even though I was only an innocent six-year-old and even though my dad also believes in waiting until you’re married to have sex, he still wouldn’t let me have an innocent sleepover with a friend of the opposite sex. Because my dad is a man (granted, a conservative man), he knows most guys can have “other things” on their mind. He didn’t want me to think it was OK to be in such an intimate situation with a boy, even at that age. And so, I have grown up with the idea that boys, even just friends, are capable of thinking differently than me. This also has the potential to bring up the debate about boys being like “sex animals," put very crudely, even though women also have an equal ability to have only “one thing on their mind." My personal answer is very complex, and you may or may not have a complex answer as well.
What if you aren’t attracted to the opposite sex at all (or attracted to both sexes)?
Of course, being a student at a liberal public university, I understand that there are people who are a part of the LGBTQ community who would have very different answers than me, and even a different question entirely. My professor also addressed this when the question came up in class. He turned the question around, asking if it is possible for those who are attracted to the same sex to be just friends with the same sex, and same for those who are attracted to both sexes — can you be just friends with people you have an attraction to? I do not identify with this community, so I cannot answer, but I encourage you to open this up for discussion.
The effect of a sex-crazy culture (and many other things) on the answer to our question
Being a citizen of the United States, I can only speak for the culture I am a part of. Times have definitely changed. Couples on television shows used to never be shown together in the same bed 50 years ago let alone kissing (aggressively) and now it is common to see couples — or even people who just met — on movies and television shows have sex. Our society is obsessed with sex; it is explicitly used as a ploy to get people to buy products, it saturates the Internet in sneaky ways and it is often the punchline of everyday jokes and televised humor. So how does the perception of sex in today’s society affect people’s opinions and beliefs on opposite-sex friendships? A sex-crazy culture may affect the way males and females think about the opposite sex or an attractive friend (putting emphasis on appearance and the goal to get laid, objectifying the other sex, etc. because everyone on TV is doing it), so this may require a “no” for an answer to our “just friends” question.
But society isn’t the only element that affects the answer. Religious beliefs, personal preferences and boundaries, morals, backgrounds, histories, and personalities also affect the answer to “can boys and girls be just friends?” What about friends that are attractive that you have known for years? What if your friend is dating someone? Will you always be just friends, and what would stop you from being just friends or more than friends? Complexity manifests itself as you continue to explore this topic. I think that's why I find it mysteriously interesting.
