To the one who signed up for loving me and everything that comes with me,
I want to start by saying I’m sorry. I’m sorry for a lot of things actually. I’m sorry for the fact that I find myself consistently analyzing the cadence of your sentence. I’m sorry that sometimes I think your feelings have changed because we’re not doing something as simple holding hands while walking down the street.
I’m sorry for the sleep you lose consoling me. It was never my intention for you to worry about my well-being. I’m fine, I promise. At least, I will be in a few minutes, hours or days. I'm sorry for the sleep I lose and you still worrying about me. I will eventually get some rest.
In those times, in my bad days, please bear with me. You’ve chosen me and all that comes with me for a reason.
Loving you has been one of the easiest and hardest things I’ve ever done, all at the same time. You have given me something to fight for forever. I hope that my fear of driving you away somehow never becomes a reality. I can’t control that though, and that scares me, too. You have given me no reason for these fears. It’s nothing you’ve ever done or said. It’s the opposite really. My anxiety makes me feel as though I am not deserving of you.
Like you said, “I love you. That's all that matters.” You’re right. It is. I wish that were enough for my anxiety, and I wish I could understand it to the same degree you mean it. More days than not, my anxiety doesn’t allow for that. I know you love me, and I love you more than words can describe. One day my anxiety will grasp that it is all that matters.
I’m sorry it’s not always easy to be with me. I know it wasn’t like this to start out, back before I was comfortable enough to show you what really goes on in my head. Sometimes, I regret opening up some of my thoughts, but I know you need to see them. I know when you ask "how are you?" that I need to be honest in telling you how I really am. I need to know that you can manage the tangled mess of thoughts, doubts and fears that constantly trouble every decision that I make. I am so lucky that so far, you have.
Please, be patient with me. There are days when I will need you more than anything, and there are days when I don’t want to leave my bed. On the days when I need you (which will probably outweigh the time I need alone), please be my sounding board if I want to spill out every emotion and thought that tortures my being. Be my silent support when I don’t want to talk about it. Hold me as tightly as you can if I break down.
As I continue writing this, I hate it. It makes me sound clingy and needy, and I hate that. That is my anxiety. But having you makes it easier. It lightens the punch to the chest I feel every time an anxiety attack comes on. I would way rather having my anxiety with you than without.
You are the support I was too scared to ask for before. Please, know when I ask for it, I need it more than I can put into words. I won’t ask for you unless I am genuinely terrified I can’t handle this by myself anymore. This is my anxiety.
I love you,
Carley
