Disclaimer: This is my personal experience living with BPD (borderline personality disorder) and everyone does not experience the same exact feelings. This story, in particular, is describing one bad day I have actually experienced before.
I wake up. Check my phone. No text from him? He hates me. I did something wrong. I shouldn't have said what I said. I always screw things up. Why am I like this? No one will ever love me. That's why he hasn't texted me. He's going to leave me.
I force myself out of bed. Look in the mirror. Do I love the way I look today or hate it? Put on makeup and love myself, but no. Now I can't find any clothes that fit right. No way, that person in the mirror isn't even me. This can't be my body. I hate the way I look. Why does anyone even like me? I'm so hideous. Wait, no, that's because they don't like me. They talk behind my back. Make fun of me. I can't leave the house.
But I do leave the house. Eventually. I barely make it to work. But I think I'm happy. Everyone's in such a good mood so I must be in a good mood too, right? Yeah, yeah today's great actually. I love life!
Now I feel empty. Why am I even here? There's really not a point to any of this. Who cares?
It's time to drink. I have to get out of my head. I can't take it. Now I'm drunk. I see the person who abandoned me. It's all their fault. No. It's all my fault. I'm not good enough. I have to make him hurt like I did.
So I do. I do drugs in the bathroom. I make sure he sees.
I sleep with his friend. I make sure he knows.
Do you hurt now? Do you hurt like you hurt me?!
Wait, no I take it back. I'm sorry.
You didn't do anything wrong. It's me.
I'm so sorry. I love you.
I hate you. It's your fault.
No, please, please just love me again.
I can't make it without you. Please come back.
What's the point of this story?
Well, while people living with BPD can seem extremely happy on the outside, there are often monsters in our heads that we live with every day telling us we aren't good enough or that the people we are close with hate us. A lot of times, this "voice" in our head causes us to act out and make irrational choices that we later regret. This example is of a pretty bad day, though, and not all days are like this. There are absolutely good days too. Great ones, in fact, where we feel on top of the world like nothing can stop us! Until it does. One small thing can easily trigger someone with BPD, even if it seems like it's "no big deal," it can cause a downward spiral that we can't seem to shake.
I do have one thing to say though -- It gets better.
Once someone with this disorder learns why these feelings are happening, it's easier to control. We are still going to have emotional outbursts and can't entirely control the "voice" in our heads but at the end of the day, we know it's just our disorder. We have to train ourselves to do essentially the exact opposite of how we feel, which takes time, but it is possible.
We know our emotions are out of control, and we know that we push people away, but just bear with us because we are trying -- and that's all we can do.