Borderline Personality Disorder. A mental illness, according to Mayo Clinic, is "...a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life."
That doesn't even define what the mental illness is. That is just the introductory sentence on Mayo Clinic's website about this disease.
These are the symptoms for Borderline Personality Disorder, according to Mayo Clinic.
I express all of these symptoms except the sixth.
People think that just because I am not suicidal, or that I don't do anything that society deems "dangerous" that there is nothing you need to worry about.
The people are wrong.
Nobody really understands. They have NO idea what I have been through. NO idea why I keep attracting the same boys over and over again, just because I don't want to be alone. Well, except maybe my therapist and my mom... :)
They have no idea of the trauma in my life that I have just swallowed. No idea why I prefer to be in relationships because the thought of being alone with my own thoughts is so terrifying.
I can't be alone. I do not like the person I am, and I haven't for a while. Ever since I was younger, I have LIVED for affirmation from others.
My freshman year of college was the worst year of my life. The man I depended on very unhealthy decided to not be with me anymore. Looking back now almost three years later, I don't blame him.
During the situation, however, I broke. I completely fell apart. I gained fifty pounds. I never left my dorm room. I went from having an A/B average in college to getting a 1.6 GPA in the second semester.
I am telling you this now because this was my lowest. Or so I thought.
Things started to get better for me. I started attending a ministry on my campus (shout out to Catholic Campus Ministry!), and I decided that I didn't want to have sex until marriage, I thought about becoming a nun, and then HE came into the picture.
He whisked me away to Europe. He stole my heart. He helped me lose 20 pounds. I thought he was the one.
He was not.
Now I feel like I am back to square one. I feel like I am that miniscule eighteen-year-old baby in her dorm room. I feel so alone, even though I know that there are people around me who love me.
I am overwhelmed. But now I know that there is a light. There is a happy ending.
And that happy ending is me. No man can ever give me that. No friend can ever give me that. I am my own happy ending, and I am sick of treating myself like I am the antagonist of my own story.
I am a hero. I have been through so much in my life, and I finally feel brave enough to figure out my disorder.
I know this is a marathon, not a sprint. But I am prepared now to take life by the antlers and look at life more positively.
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My sad playlist I listened to while writing this: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2CxT0AqAHF9C5FS1...
