All of my life I have been called many things that have made me feel good about who I am. I have been told that I am bright, happy, beautiful, thoughtful, kind, dedicated, and many other things by people who genuinely meant them. One thing I can say I have never honestly been called is skinny. Sure, I have heard it from friends who try to fool me into thinking that my appearance isn't everything.
"Oh my god," some would say, "you're skinny, shut up!" But they never really meant it. I used to just brush it off and chalk it up to the fact that my friends see something different than what I would see in the mirror, but I eventually realized that I wasn't staying the same or getting smaller, in fact, I was getting bigger and my friends didn't want to hurt me by telling me what they really thought.
As time went on , people around me stopped babying me, they started to lose the filter they once had, and then they started to get mean. In high school, I heard more times than I can count that I was fat, from so many different people. It started to get to me a tiny bit when it came from people I didn't really know, but I had been bullied before and their words just bounced off my protective layer. The comments then started coming from the people closest to me. I couldn't just brush it off anymore, I couldn't even look in a mirror. After that point, there was no turning back. Anything anyone said about my weight or my "size" felt like a bullet to the heart.
For a while, I tried to build up walls, I wore what I wanted and I didn't notice how I looked in it, I just wanted to look good, skirts and tucked in shirts inspired by my fashion icon, Carrie Bradshaw in "the Carrie Diaries." Slowly, I started to feel less comfortable in what I was wearing, more on edge throughout the day. Finally, when I was getting off the bus at my house one kid shouted "here comes the cow," and another mooed at me. This is something that I am not bitter about, something I have forgiven them for, but something I will always carry with me.
Things have never been easy. In fact, things have only gotten harder as time has gone on. When you look in a mirror and you see something that resembles what anyone would see when they see what fat really looks like, it takes a toll on the everyday morale.
Remember this when you are with someone who is unable to feel like they aren't worth it. They don't want to hear lies, but they don't want the harsh truth either. Body image is very important to mental health. How we see ourselves is in direct correlation with whether or not we like who we are, which can affect our overall well-being. Poor body image causes many forms of anxiety and depression.
The truth about body image is ugly and scary and not meant to be taken likely. Think twice next time, friends, and put yourself in the shoes of someone who might "disgust" you. Body Images come in so many sizes, fat, skinny, and all the in between.
It hurts when you see people looking at you and you automatically think they're judging you. In your mind, there is no way they could like your style, they could be talking about how great your shoes are, but simply how hefty you look in your outfit or that it's disgusting how fat your face is. Support your friend who looks in the mirror and says she's fat. She's not fishing for a compliment or looking for your sympathy. Give them your love, your support. People are inherantly good, we just need to start acting like it.
