Being considered bisexual seems to be a sin these days and it doesn't seem to make much sense to me. I have grown up knowing that I have an attraction to not only men but women but I have seemingly repressed it so much to the point that I have struggled to understand who I am now.

The earliest memory I have of being attracted to a female was in elementary school, I couldn't have been any older than nine at the time but I had this overwhelming fascination for one of the females in my class. This confused me as I had grown up in a rather sheltered environment my whole life and was surrounded by all heterosexual couples from a young age. How could a little girl be attracted to another little girl? So I did what I knew best which was to not worry about it and push it to the back of my brain to collect dust.

The idea of being gay/lesbian or bisexual eventually made its way into my life when I found out my mom's old friend was a lesbian and I was able to watch more uncensored television and movies which depict these sorts of characters. The idea was stuck in my head and every time I found a female attractive I would tell myself that its nothing and that I just think she's pretty. This went on for some time, up until this year I really repressed my thoughts and feelings for women and hid them by dating just men.

In the seventh grade, I remember a girl in my class loved the movie Burlesque and I found her to be attractive so I watched the movie over and over so that I could talk to the girl in class about it. I also found the women in the movie to be very attractive as well and I would say that was the movie that made me realize maybe I am different from other girls. Different in a sense that I felt like if I told people they wouldn't look at me the same and I would be considered a sinner.

That brings me to today, I have had many boyfriends and I have had many crushes on girls. I have kissed men and kissed women and they are both amazing and I love it but I am afraid to be with a female in a relationship or in any other way because it seems so foreign to me. Now, being bisexual can mean so many different things.

For me to say that I am attracted to men and women and have been with only men romantically but not women romantically to me is still considered bisexual. My issue is this, why is it that people are so afraid of the idea of not only liking men but also liking women. I personally believe that I would have been much happier had I not felt like I would be shunned as an outsider in the world for liking both genders.

Of course, living in 2018 it is much more acceptable to be with who you want to be and to love who you want to love and to fuck who you want to fuck but why is it that when I kiss girls or I think about them in different ways I feel so ashamed? This is who I am and I am fully certain that I like who I like but there is still this feeling of guilt and confusion that overcomes me.

My question is this: Why is it that I am so worried about what others think of me when I should be able to love whoever the fuck I want to love? It's not like I am affecting anyone else and as long as I'm happy shouldn't the people around me be happy as well?

I just hope that someday I can feel completely and truly happy and content with who I am and proud of who I have grown to become instead of being a timid repressed and confused person that doesn't know how to love.

Love is love, love heals and love destroys but the best kind of love is the love you find in yourself through the love of another.