I'm a bisexual woman and I’m proud of my identity. Well, most of the time. Other times, truthfully, I am incredibly frustrated with my innate attraction to more than just the opposite gender. It’s not that I don’t accept my sexual orientation—rather, it’s that I feel this immense pressure to be with a woman and to constantly prove that yes, I do like women. Of course, this is complicated by the fact that my first and current significant other is a man.
I don’t want to break up with my boyfriend, and yet… there’s this feeling inside that makes me feel like what I have isn’t enough. Not because I’m not in love with him because I definitely am. It’s because I feel like a core part of my identity is being attracted to women and yet I’m so often under the label “straight until proven otherwise.” As someone who has only been in one heterosexual relationship and has never been in any other kind, I have literally no proof other than the words I speak and the feelings I feel.
Somehow, it never feels like enough.
The pressure to be with a woman is a reality that bisexual women constantly face. It’s weird, isn’t it? A label should be something that you can own and have as your own identity. But the world we live in is so dominated by not what we think of ourselves, but what other people think of us. Labels feel less about self-acceptance and more about self-assurance. It’s as if our identities aren’t, well, ours.
When I first realized that I was attracted to more than just men, I remember being frightened and very much in denial. I asked a girl to prom my senior year of high school, but only “as a friend” (despite most definitely having a crush on her). I eventually called myself “heteroflexible” to seemingly acknowledge my other attractions while distinctly avoiding the label of anything that wasn’t “straight enough.” But all the while, I felt like I was lying to myself, and even more so to the rest of the world.
When I finally started using the label “bisexual,” I was already in a relationship with my current boyfriend. There was no more hiding from the world; I was ready to admit my bisexuality, proudly so. But though being with a man and being bisexual are not mutually exclusive, over and over again I don’t feel “bisexual enough.” Shouldn’t I have a short hairstyle to show that I like women? Shouldn’t I go to gay clubs and bars and pride days? Shouldn’t I experience romance with another gender?
No matter how much I feel like myself on the inside, I feel like I’m constantly worried about how my outside will match. I know the inside and outside shouldn’t need to match—that it’s my life and my identity and I can do what I feel is right for me without getting society’s stamp of approval. But the discomfort with myself remains.
But overthinking my bisexuality won’t make me any more or less bisexual. I just… am. I am bisexual. I am bisexual, and I’m proud of my identity. That should be enough. And I believe that one day it will be. Just, maybe not today.
