I have debated many times writing this article, in fear that others could not relate and in fear of this article turning out too personal. This fear caused me to rewrite it a million times and never publish it. This happened continuously until I was sitting in class and overheard a girl talking about how she is currently removed from the track team because she fractured her femur in half and is still recovering. So here it goes, this is for all of you that have felt betrayed and frustrated with your own body. Know that others can relate and understanding how you feel.
Whether it is a fractured bone keeping you from doing what you want to do, an injury that you constantly have to deal with or an illness that you are dealing with every single day. We all feel the same, some just more extreme than others. While some deal with it for weeks and others deal with it for years. The pain, the suffering, the feeling that it will never end. We have a lot in common. we rely on our medication and painkillers to relieve the pain temporarily. We feel the pain on the inside while we look fine on the outside. Unless we complain or nag, others will never understand the pain we feel. We constantly feel like a burden to others when asking for help even though we have no other choice. We want the pain to end, but apparently our bodies decides otherwise. These are the things only we understand. These are the thing we deal with every single day.
Almost two years ago, one second everything was fine and the next second I woke up in the middle of a street with EMT’s everywhere and all I could do was scream in pain. After hours in the ER, I found out my collarbone was fractured and severely displaced, My hip was bruised down to the bone, and my central column in my neck was all the way to the left as well as a turned vertebrae. A week later, I went into surgery to get my collar bone realigned with a pin. After one month of recovering then three months of physical therapy and several chiropractor appointments, they said everything would be okay. After several months of trying to deal with the pain, I knew something wasn’t right. X-rays revealed that not only did my collar bone never heal, but in the process of trying to day to day activities the pin had broken into several pieces because the bone never reattached. Yes indeed, for the past two years I have endured the pain everyday of a fractured collarbone as well as broken metal hitting my nerves. So here we go with surgery number two to attempt to take out the pin, put a plate in, and get a bone graft. This is not what I planned, this is not what I wanted, and this is not how I imagined the past two years to be. As I prepare for surgery number two and know there a possibility of a third surgery, emotional is the only word that can describe me. All this pain just for being in the wrong place at the wrong time I guess. I got no explanation, I got no warnings.
Its an indescribable feeling to not be able to dress yourself, bathe yourself, and do other day to day things. I have never been so frustrated at myself and felt so hopeless. Even though I was beyond grateful for the help I received after the first surgery and the help I will receive in the future, I hate feeling like a burden. I hate going to do something and knowing I physically cannot do it without the help of someone else.
I know some people will never understand these feelings or where I am coming from while others will be ecstatic that someone else actually understands. If I say “I need my pain killers” some will look at me like I am crazy and have an addiction while others will know exactly how I am feeling. Some see my surgery scars and ask questions while others see them and know exactly what to say. Some people help lead me to recovery while others are no help at all.
Pain is an unexplainable feeling that only the one feeling it can understand. So please, next time someone tells you they are in pain realize that what they are showing you on the outside does not accurately represents how much it hurts on the inside. Next time, you tell someone that is hurt or sick that they will be okay or that you wish they were not hurting anymore please understand it only frustrates us because that is what we wish for every single day. Be aware that you do not understand and be aware that you can never feel what we are feeling every day. You may see us hurting on the outside, but you do not understand the pain and the thoughts that is happening on the inside.