We all have that one friend throughout life - the one willing to jump to your rescue whenever needed, you talk to them just about every day, and they know close to every little detail about you. It’s not that they pry, you just feel so comfortable talking to them, that a simple “how are you” can turn into a night-long conversation. That one best-friend we get is irreplaceable. For years, we swore to each other we would never let anything come between us. We came to know each other all too well and we fit together like puzzle pieces. For me, after awhile, something was not quite right. He wanted me more than I could ever allow myself to give. Another word for this could be the friend zone.

We met when I was 17. At the time, I had just gotten out of a bad relationship. We clicked right away - because he was also getting over a breakup. We got along so well - we liked the same things, and had the same interests. It seemed like the perfect beginning to a relationship, but then something inside of me realized I just didn’t see him that way. We eventually lost contact for a while. A year went by before he popped into my life again. We started talking and became great friends again. From that point on we were very close - confiding in each other about our family, friends, and relationships. We would talk almost every day. Our conversations were never dull. We always had something to share. We would pout about our lack of perfect relationships and laugh about running away together to get away from our crappy lives.

Everything appeared perfect but I just couldn’t see him as more than a friend. I felt terrible - like I owed it to him to try, but I just couldn’t. I could never jeopardize our perfect friendship. To me, it was one of those, if it isn’t broken, don’t fix it type of ideals. To him it was, how could you ever know if we don’t try. It was upsetting and sometimes heartbreaking. I cared and cherished our friendship so deeply and to this day, I don’t think he really understood how much he meant to me. No matter how bad I felt or how much I appreciated him, I just couldn’t take the chance.

A few years back I met someone. I fell hard and I fell fast. Before I knew it, I was jeopardizing both my new relationship and my long-term friendship. I was torn between the two guys, but I loved them in different ways. It came to the point where I had to let one go in order to keep the other. I couldn’t have it both ways. That day will forever mark the time when part of me died. I lost part of my spirit that day. I lost the person who was the light at the end of my tunnel... the one whose ear I could talk off if I was having a crappy day - the guy who had my back from day one and would tell me I was worth the world. Although I ended a chapter of my life that day, I also opened a new door for something more. I opened the possibility of being able to love someone the way I loved him.

I knew I could not have more with my friend in the way he wished. I also knew I couldn’t open up to another guy and have a true romantic relationship if he was the one I was running to in order to escape reality. I needed to build that same relationship with someone I could spend a life with. I needed not only a friendship but a partner. I just wish everything had gone differently. I wish every day I could still have him in my life. I miss him often. I literally go through stages of grief every now and again because I miss him dearly, but I have to remind myself of what I have now because of it. I have someone now who is not only my dearest friend but also my partner.

If I could go back in time, I would tell my friend everything that happens and beg him to see me differently - to see me as I saw him. I would tell him how much he meant to me, and let him know we would end up losing this battle and losing each other completely if we didn’t fix this whole thing. We were perfect friends and I wish he could have seen that the same way I did. I truly believe we would still be friends to this day if he did. He was my best friend for a good five years. One day, it all came to a screeching halt. I hate that I had to choose. If it were up to me, I would have both men in my life. I know now it would not have worked out this way. You can’t have much of a relationship if your best guy-friend still thinks you’re the one. I understand now that sometimes people aren’t meant to stay in our lives but that doesn’t make it less painful. Our friendship meant the world to me. I will cherish it every day for the rest of my life. I can only hope my old guy best friend feels the same way. I can only hope he understands I never wanted our friendship to end.

As I said before, now I understand. I understand in order to love someone truly, I had to let go of the one holding me back. He held onto me with all the right intentions, but in my heart I knew we did not want the same thing. I had to be honest with myself in order to find a lasting relationship. You can have best friends, but one thing you can’t have is a best friend who knows everything while your significant other is left in the dark. Unfortunately, I did not learn this lesson until it was too late. He knew everything about me and I barely opened up to my boyfriend. I already had one best friend, why did I need another? It didn’t make sense to me why these two things couldn’t be separate. Why can’t I have a best friend and a boyfriend but not mix the two together? Why can’t I tell my best friend everything about my boyfriend but not tell my boyfriend everything about my best friend? I know it really doesn’t make any sense, but back then I didn’t see what was wrong.

I just did not want to start a new relationship. I knew having a relationship meant you told them everything, but I just couldn’t open up to anyone else except my guy best friend. I often asked myself, why can’t I just love him more? It would have made everything so much easier, but life isn’t easy. I couldn’t be with him as more than a friend, but I didn’t want to be vulnerable to anyone else. I was hurt too many times before. Since I didn’t see him in that way, I had to let him go. I had to open up completely to the person I wanted to be romantically involved with. In order to do that, I had to leave my comfort zone. I had to let go of the person who was my rock and my best friend. I had to let go because if I didn’t, I would not have been able to love someone the way I do now.

I may have lost my best friend, but I gained another. I gained someone who I can talk to the same way I did him but more. I know now what happened needed to happen. My only wish is that I could turn back time to express my feelings and let my friend know that one day we would no longer talk. I wish I could change things so we could still be friends, just not as close. That way, maybe, I could have kept both men in my life. I will never know the answer and that alone is enough to grieve over, but I am thankful for the boyfriend I have now. I was finally able to let go of my comfort zone and open up completely. This took a long time and a trying process, but finally I was able to find the same friendship in him as I did to my old best friend. The main difference is, I don’t just love him as a friend but also as a long-term partner.

I may sound like a sappy romantic, but really this is the story of a girl who fell in love and lost her best friend in the process. I grew a lot from our friendship but have grown even more in my current relationship. We all lose people and sometimes that can change who we are. I lost a piece of me that day, but sometimes we have to let go in order to truly understand what is holding us back.

- The old friend, and loving girlfriend.