I was angry. I was upset. I was hurt. But more importantly, I was, and still am, confused. I am confused as to why a great friendship that was full of amazing memories and shared experiences ended without even a final blow.
I could understand if we had experienced a big fight that caused us to no longer speak. I could understand if our friendship was no longer fun. I could understand if our friendship wasn't deep, genuine, or heartfelt. But when our friendship ended, I still believed that we had so much more we could have enjoyed together. So much more we could have done together. So many more opportunities where we could have laughed together. So many more moments we could have cried together. Yet our friendship ended without one spoken word. One day it was there, and the next it was gone. Gone for good.
I knew you were changing but even when you started to become different than the person I knew, I still felt we had things in common. We were both ambitious. We were both driven. We were both dreamers. We were both adventurers. We were both so excited about the future. Why couldn’t we have shared a future with each other in it? Why is it that one day I felt like you cared and then the next day I knew you didn’t? You cut me off and I was so hurt that I didn’t even have the words to confront you. I just knew that you weren’t my best friend anymore and I wasn’t yours.
It’s weird how one day I felt so confident and happy to have such a great person in my life. Then as time passed by, there were signs that the friendship was no longer as strong as it once was. But I ignored those signs because you and I would be best friends forever, right? Sure, our lives were moving in different directions and our interests weren’t all the same. But I still wanted to be best friends. I still wanted to call you at 1 am to tell you about my crazy day. I wanted to bitch to you when life was tough. I wanted to come over to your house and binge watch tv shows and listen to new music. But clearly, you didn’t want that anymore.
I didn’t accept the fact that our friendship was changing because I still wanted to be friends and no matter how much either of us changed, my love for the remarkable friendship we had created would remain constant. Sadly, the friendship didn't seem to be part of your plan anymore. The worst part was that as I was losing the old you, I didn’t even have the chance to try and get to know the new you because you didn't give me the chance.
Silence had created a wall around us. Even as I was witnessing our friendship change for the worse, I refused to believe it would come to an end. When it did, I was lost in a sea of people that felt like strangers. I no longer had my best friend who I could count on under any circumstance. And this caused me to change. I became jaded. I lost hope in the idea of friendship altogether. I didn’t want to get close to anyone because I didn’t want to get hurt again. But time went on and I realized that some people will only stay in my life for a chapter or two.
I used to wish you had cussed me out. I used to wish our friendship ended over a fight because I wanted a reason to hate you. Ultimately, our friendship ended with silence, though, and the lack of words deafened me. You were the best friend that broke my heart, but I am no longer searching for the answers I was never given because as much as I want to hate you, I can't. We shared many amazing experiences together over the years, ones that I still think about regularly and I wouldn't be the person I am today without you. So as much as I want to hate you, I have instead chosen to both forgive you for hurting me and to also thank you for some of the best times of my life.