Reality cooking competition shows have evolved from something as dignified and elegant as the original Japanese incarnation of "Iron Chef" into the gimmicky cesspool that is "Guy's Grocery Games" – but either way, they're here to stay. I've never hidden the fact that I'd rather watch 14 hours of a trashy cooking show than say, keep up with any Kardashian. If you're also in search of a new competition to devour, check these out!
1. Chopped
Four contestants, one basket of wacky mystery ingredients, and not enough time makes for an anxiety-induced whirlwind of chaotically-dressed salads, sprints to the ice cream machine, and sliced fingers. The show has been around since 2009 thanks to the fact that Ted Allen (AKA budget Alton Brown) is a friendly host and the Food Network never seems to broadcast anything else anymore. Newer episodes have featured more of the contestants' backstories and more insights on how to handle challenging ingredients, but honestly, it feels like once you’ve seen one episode, you’ve seen them all. Still a great show to binge or to have run as background noise, though.
2. Cutthroat Kitchen
This one started off as an interesting pitch — contestants can spend their potential prize money to sabotage each other — but somehow devolved into the strangest kind of Stanford Prison Experiment under Alton Brown’s tyrannical hand. Sabotages have ranged from cooking while waist deep in a ball pit to having to chip through an ice block to get to your ingredients, and they’ve only been getting weirder. The improv aspect is similar to Chopped, although the added curveballs and cringe-y shit-talking deliver a more distinct schadenfreude.
3. The Next Food Network Star
This is the show that unleashed that frosted agent of chaos, Guy Fieri, upon our land, so already you should be wary of its power and potential. Fortunately (for us), most winners fade into obscurity after getting their own show, either confined to a single season or shuffled away to be guests on other ones. As for the season-long process of picking The Next Food Network Star (TM), it is extremely unsettling to see nice, regular people struggle with stage fright or anxiety on camera, to the point where the episodes are just doses of secondhand embarrassment and banter between the contestants' mentors, Bobby Flay and Giada de Laurentiis. Trashy, but in a good way?
4. Beat Bobby Flay
Speaking of Food Network’s ginger-haired golden child, Bobby Flay has garnered a good enough reputation that there’s an entire spinoff show centered around trying to make him look bad. Watching him get humbled by regular ol’ cooks is satisfying until you realize how infrequently it happens — He wins most episodes after out-cooking some nice grandma’s signature dish that she’s been making for her entire life. That kind of cruelty hurts too much to be worth it in the long run, so I’d probably suggest that you stay away.
5. Top Chef
This show features food in the best light; You can learn a lot about dishes or the restaurant industry in general while cheering on your favorite chef from week to week. Contestants are generally likable and capable, but the drama is inevitable just by virtue of being on the network that gave us the Real Housewives. There’s a lot of buses and a lot of people getting thrown under them, but the show is largely pleasant and not forced. Quickfire challenges are a good amount of goofy while elimination challenges often showcase the chefs’ backgrounds and stories. There’s a lot of heart while still being the kind of show that’ll have you yelling at the TV because someone’s using frozen scallops for their deconstructed ceviche while you’re eating a room temperature Hot Pocket.
6. Masterchef
It’s a strict-seeming competition for home cooks with a big-budget feel. Personalized aprons! A fancy glass trophy! Gordon Ramsay is there! The challenges are pretty standard, but the editing tends to skew things to be much more dramatic than they have any business being. The dialogue feels weirdly scripted and melodramatic at times, the meltdowns are too conveniently timed, and very few of the judges' comments sound like anything a human being would actually say.
7. Any kids' cooking competition
Why would you do this? Is this even legal? How long does filming a season take? Should these kids be in school? Did little Jimmy just start crying because his cupcakes aren’t cooked all the way through? How can you live with this?
8. The Great British Bake Off
So pure, so charming, so quaint. It’s the island nation’s favourite (ha!) contest about baked goods, but it somehow got booted off the BBC. It’s the most low-key and feel-good show of the bunch, involving self-taught bakers who often nervously look around, offer each other advice, and hope for the best. The hosts and judges are beams of positivity and support, always honest in their critique but sure to point out and celebrate the positives instead of making you into an idiot sandwich. By far the biggest cinnamon roll show there is, cooking contest or not.
