It's Sunday morning and I'm reading a new book about Frank Sinatra while drinking coffee on my deck overlooking the Chesapeake Bay. My run is out of the way for the day, my bed is made, and I've accomplish more than my entire household has and it's only 10AM, yet I'm still uncomfortable and I'm still worrisome.

For years, since December 31st of 2013 actually, I've avoided food that's deemed unhealthy. I haven't had a piece of pizza, candy bar, or cone of soft serve since that night. It wasn't that I didn't like those foods (because I sure could down nine pieces of Ledo's and two bowls of cookie dough ice cream in 10 minutes), it was that I hated the guilt and lethargy that came after. The next morning, New Year's Day, I woke up early, ran, and completely changed my lifestyle so I could feel better about how I looked.

Running's been a huge part of my life since middle school; any other workout seems inadequate to me. With the combination of running and my new eating habits, I felt in control of my life. But if I had a slip up and didn't run for a day, everything went into shambles and my entire mood came upside down. At the time, I felt bigger than I should have been even though I was only a hundred pounds. When I began flying for my cheerleading team, my weight was especially on my mind. Looking back now, I wish I was that thin still. Growing up and naturally becoming larger has given me more anxiety than I could ever dream of.

I exercise and I constrict what I eat, yet I'm still terribly bothered about my appearance. This feeling is dreadful and so little people can understand. Sure, I support everyone else's body positivity and being proud of their size and weight, but I don't fall in that category. I can't convince myself that I'm where I want to be.

Every time I pass a mirror, I stop and think if my old coach or aunt or manager has noticed if I've gotten bigger. The size of my arms and density of my thighs absolutely consumes my head every second of the day. I feel stuck and I know people out there feel stuck too.

My point is, I'm trying. I'm trying to lose the weight and I'm trying to help other people who feel this way too (in a healthy way). Right now, there's so many trends rooting for the thicker girls and the skinny girls, but what about the girls in between? I'm for whatever makes you content when you wake up; if that means losing weight or gaining weight then so be it. But wanting to be skinny shouldn't be shameful; if that's what you want, do it. So many girls are uncomfortable with what they look like, yet becoming smaller is frowned upon. Why is it bad that you want to increase your fitness and feel better in your own skin? It isn't. Work to get where you want, work to get to the point when you don't have to wake up every day thinking about how uncomfortable you are, work to finally sigh and truly believe you are proud of your body.