Before coming to college I was so terrified of the "freshmen 15." Along with always being extremely critical of my body, I began nit-picking at every little thing I ate, and if I ate something that was bad for me, I would feel guilty about it for at least a week. After I felt like I had gained some weight I would wear extra large sweatshirts and leggings almost every day just to avoid wearing anything that could possibly show that I had a little bit of a tummy, or a little bit of underarm fat.
I know that this sounds ridiculous, and even as I'm typing this I know I probably sound annoying because from the outside to other people I look "just fine." And if I would ever ask my friends if I had gained weight they would roll their eyes and say things like "What?! No, you are soooo skinny". But there is a difference between looking skinny and feeling skinny, and I have never felt this way.
Just when I started to feel like I was really starting to see a change in my body, and felt more confident about myself, two guys sitting behind me in one of my classes snapped a picture of my "muffin top" to their friend when they thought I couldn't hear them. As much as a feminist as I am, you'd think I wouldn't care what they have to say about me, but the comments they made have left a lasting impression on me, and I hate that.
When I don't feel like running anymore, I'll picture how I want to look and I'll keep going, but I've learned the hard way that if I just keep thinking about how I'll physically look, how I think of myself in my mind will never change. After a while of just being tired of running when it seemed like there was no end in sight, I would give up. Instead, I've started looking at working out as something that makes me feel healthy and makes me feel amazing, not look amazing. Mental health is equally important as physical health, and it's ridiculous it's not being talked about more.
When girls are sad, we are taught to go eat some ice cream and watch TV, but what about going for a walk with your best friend? And I'm sorry but I'm pretty sure that young women are way more targeted about the dreaded "freshman 15" than young men. I'm not saying that some guys don't feel this but I cannot even tell you how many grad parties I went to where adults would say to watch what I ate in college and then would say nothing to my boyfriend about it even though he would be sitting right next to me.
When it comes down to it, diet fads like juice cleanses do not work. Being healthy is a state of mind and a lifestyle. I would go through crazy phases where I would give up all carbs for a month and would become so frustrated with restricting myself that I would end up going crazy and eating a crazy amount of carbs.
I started thinking of being healthy as a lifestyle change and something that makes me feel good. I started to not want to eat junk food because it didn't make me feel good, and I started to want to go to the gym every day because it makes me feel better after a long day at school. I took it a day at a time and I finally started seeing differences in my body when I wasn't even looking for it. Every day is still a struggle, but it's getting better. Seeing these insanely fit and healthy models in ads all of the time does't help, but I feel like I'm starting to understand that those kinds of bodies would not exist if it weren't for photoshop.
I hope that someone out there reads this and knows that they're not alone in feeling this way about themselves. Because I know that I cannot be the only one.
