“Why are you always so busy?”
“You’re always with people.”
“How much sleep do you get a night?”
“Why do you take sleeping pills?”
“You think too much.”
These are questions or comments I receive quite frequently.
But the truth is, I can’t trust myself to be alone for long periods of time. My mind goes to dark places. I always pack my schedule so full that my mind doesn’t have time to think about the awful things it would normally continue to overanalyze. I stay with people because they distract me from the conversations going on in my head. I stay up late, staring at the ceiling waiting for the pills to kick in and wake up early to give myself enough time to gain the motivation to get out of bed. I take sleeping pills because if I didn’t, I would not sleep at all and stay up with these thoughts eating me from the inside out.
Everyday is a battle between getting out of bed or staying there and giving up on the day before it begins. Most days I succeed and get out of bed and my day will be going great until I am alone, and then my mind captures me. For a while, I was winning at this. I didn’t let the depression and anxiety get me down. Everyday, I put on a face to prove to my friends, teachers, siblings, parents, and myself that I could handle it. I knew it was important to my mental health to not give up. My friends don't always understand why I function the way I do, after all, sometimes I don’t understand it either.
Living with depression and anxiety is not fun. It isn’t the latest “fad”. This is a real issue that real people deal with on a daily basis. You can’t always tell what is going on behind the scenes in people’s minds. People function certain ways because that is the best way for them to handle life. For those dealing with psychological disorders, questions like these are often asked, but never understood.
From looking at me functioning in everyday life, you might not know of these issues that dictate my actions. Many people I have talked to who deal with these problems I would have never guessed what they were dealing with inside their heads. It is said that eyes are the windows to the soul, but sometimes people have the shades drawn and what battles they are fighting inside their heads never live to see the light. Sometimes what is going on can not be seen by looking at their eyes. After all, when a movie or play is being produced, we only see what is presented to the audience, but behind the scenes, things aren’t flowing as smoothly. Why would we expect humans to be any different. Certain actions are a direct connection to thought patterns and psychological issues going on. This does not mean we aren’t human, in fact, it means the opposite. We are human and we have issues.
When my friends had found out about the depression and anxiety that lives in my mind, they were shocked. But over time, I have learned to be okay with opening up about it because I know I am not the only one struggling. In America, anxiety disorders are the most common disorders with depression disorders placing also in the top disorders (Anxiety and Depression Association of America). Only one third of people with these disorders seek out treatment. I don’t know if this is due to the negative connotation connected to “mental issues” or not realizing they have them.
Suicide has been on the rise in adolescents and even adults. I have lost many friends and friend's parents to suicide. Maybe if we stopped sticking negative connotations on psychological battles and stopped asking the judgmental questions we would be able to start understanding what is going on behind the scenes in people’s minds.
Having a mental illness is not an awful thing, and it does not define you. If it is let to grow and take root in everyday life, it can become toxic and choke out the life inside. But that is why what is going on behind the scenes is important. When we stop judging and start listening and understanding, we can help others. I am not my depression, I am not my anxiety; I live with them, but I will overcome them. With the help of my friends and family, I don’t have to be alone through this battle. No one should have to be alone in this fight.
