I am what you would call a raging fangirl. My guess is, if you've clicked on this title, you likely are, too. And therefore, I would imagine that you, like me, have gone through your fair share of crushes on a man who is perfect in every way imaginable. Handsome, knows what he's doing on a regular basis, has his fair share of luck with the ladies ... and is of course, entirely non-existent, because he's definitely a fictional character.
While I have had my less-than-healthy obsessions with fictional characters, I also believe that, when moderated, pretending that you're married to one every once in a while is not a bad idea. In fact, it can be quite fun. Just don't lose your grip on reality. For the purposes of this article, I have decided to illustrate what it's like, using every fictional man I have ever had more than a passing thing for. I call it: A Beginner's Guide to Fictional Crushes. Enjoy!
1. When you first see him, this man clearly has no faults.
Just look at him. He's flawless.
2. And once you get to know his character, that usually doesn't change, either.
He usually stands up for what he believes to be right, and that is an admirable thing.
3. Granted, that sometimes takes a while to draw out.
Any good, realistic character will have some drawbacks, but it's all covering up a heart of gold!
4. There's always the possibility they'd drive you nuts in real life.
But that's okay. They're fictional. Right?
5. You watch or read their story over and over again, always swooning over their amazingness.
I mean, it's only proper that you know their backstory in and out, right?
6. But the real question is ... Do you approve their love interest?
You must scope this person out. Are they exactly what this man deserves, or could he do better? Or would you rather him just be single so the writing of the fan fiction is more convenient? I personally take the latter option.
7. You will begin to question why you've never heard a real man say things such as:
Seriously, these guys set the pick-up line bar real high.
8. They feel pain, you feel pain.
You will shed many tears over their struggles, no matter how bravely they bear them.
9. And you learn a great deal from them.
That's the great thing about our men, they are constantly learning, and therefore, you do, too.
10. It's not just morally, however, sometimes head knowledge comes with the territory, too.
Seriously, most of them are geniuses in some way or another.
11. And they are usually quite scrappy in battle.
Whether you're a pacifist or not, you've got to admit, a man who knows how to defend himself is a wonderful thing.
12. And you now have a convenient out when you don't want to be hit on.
Legitimately. Just tell the poor soul you're taken, give them a brief description of the entirely fictional person, and run for your life.
13. Because let's face it, your standards are now extremely high.
Yep. One cannot simply top a man who waits 2,000 years for his girlfriend to wake up or, for that manner, any number of feats these guys accomplish.
14. You are now doomed to spend endless hours screaming, "NOT MY BABY!"
Protect him at all costs.
15. Especially when you find out they're not immortal.
Yes, at some point, your heart is destined to shatter into a thousand tiny pieces. Case in point right here. JK Rowling ruined my life.
16. Fortunately, most of the time you just watch them do their thing and laugh.
17. You start to pick up on their mannerisms.
Or their sayings. (On that note, THIS little punk right here...If I could count the number of times I said "Actually..." in middle school...)
18. If anyone insults them, you will defend them to the death.
Seriously, do not go there, peasant. Do NOT go there.
19. No matter how much you love the character they're arguing with...
...they're always right.
20. But pretty soon, it becomes apparent there isn't a whole lot of realism about them.
Although, this little punk is fairly stinking close.
21. So please, for the love of dear goodness, don't get yourself too attached.
Trust me, fictional men are not a good place to invest the bulk of your affections.
22. We promise, there are plenty of good, real men out there.
Until you find one, however, enjoy your fictional men. They're kind of fun.
