I chose to be a BFA Musical Theatre major. Was this a terrible idea? Kind of. Why? Theatre itself, and acting in general, is a career path fraught with relative poverty, objective academia, and lots of rejection. For me, an always overly sensitive kid, merely the auditions for schools nearly killed me. I was allowed to audition for, initially four, and eventually, five schools. The schools I auditioned for will not be named, but I was rejected from all of them. My mother constantly tried to tone it down, "oh, you weren't rejected, sweetie, they just don't recognize your talent", but no matter what she said, I was rejected. At the fifth audition, a last minute choice at a school no one wanted me to attend, I made the swift and uneasy decision to attend a school. This was a school that had rejected me from a Bachelor of Fine Arts program, but would allow me to attend as a Bachelor of Arts student and reaudition at the end of the year. This was totally fine. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a BA program, except that one of my best friends was accepted into the BFA Musical Theatre program at the same school, a school he, initially, wasn't even interested in. However, I tried to take the high road. This lasted about two months.
My friend and I (with our parents, also good friends) decided to attend orientation together. To add to the emotion of this whole situation, I was also playing Eponine (the eternal teenage dream role of musical theatre) and not doing badly. At this orientation, I recognized all the things I was kept from doing in the BA program. It wasn't a sure thing that I could take voice lessons, dance classes, or even music classes. The orientation was two days and we stayed overnight in the dorms. The first night, after finding out all of this information, while everyone was at an ice cream social (or something), I went back to my dorm and had a panic attack. I burst into tears, I called my parents and told them I couldn't attend the school. We argued, obviously; a BFA Musical Theatre program had always been my plan, why would I give up so easily? I just couldn't do it. I recognized that, at the time, I did not have the emotional maturity to carry on at this school. We settled on another school, not a BFA program or even really a BA program, but something close to home where I could attend, possibly transferring the next year. Then, the unbelievable happened, the school my best friend had been accepted to had a spot open in the program and wanted me to attend as a BFA Musical Theatre major. This was a moment I will forever regret. I don't think I've ever told anyone about it: I never wanted to attend this school. In that moment there was a great deal of joy coming from my parents, but I just couldn't see myself at this school. However, I told no one. I said I'd attend, got the paperwork and such done, and moved in a mere two weeks later.
The whole thing was a disaster. My school had some pretty strict rules about drugs and alcohol, policies that affected both those partaking and those that were in the same vicinity. If you weren't taking part, but drugs or alcohol were found in your apartment, you were put in front of the school board for a hearing that could result in expulsion or expulsion from housing, both of which were no things I wanted. I've never done drugs and have no desire to do them. I'm not a prude, if that's something you decide to do, that is totally fine, but when it may severely impact my living situation, I get really concerned about it. My first roommates all smoked pot which not only worried me due to the school's policies, but also messed with the medication I was on for anxiety. I had three pretty intense panic attacks in two days. After the third one, I was sent to the ER. Thankfully, this resulted in my moving out of my current apartment and into another. In this apartment, there were four lovely girls, all of whom I became friends with. However, there was always something lacking. It came from me. I wasn't happy. I didn't know why. I was in a play, got along better with kids in my program, and made good grades, but I still wasn't happy. I made it through my freshman year. When it came to returning for my sophomore year, I didn't want to. We had several arguments prior to my return, but I ended up going back. This semester was the worst one by far. I don't like regret, but I regret all of it and it will hang over me for a long time. Basically, I made myself ill. I was so worried and upset about so many different things that I developed a kidney infection and gastritis. I lost eleven pounds in a month, cried nearly every day, and could not pull myself together, no matter how hard I tried. I exited school at the end of the semester with several medical withdrawals from classes and some okay grades in the ones I could complete.
My family was going to Disney World for Christmas and it was there, standing at the entrance to Disney Hollywood Studios that I made a big decision: I wasn't going back. Look, we all have but one life. We are meant to live it properly. "Properly" can mean different things for everyone, but for everyone I would like it to mean "to the fullest". By going back where I didn't feel wanted, safe, or even liked, I would be putting myself back in a terrible situation. My parents were worried and didn't want me to 'burn bridges'. I knew that I wasn't happy and for one of the first times in my life, I made the decision to be happy.
What did I do? I took a semester off of school. I paid back some medical bills by working as a substitute teacher, a nanny, and working for my grandparents' business. I was in the ensemble of My Fair Lady, choreographed the show, and got to see my dad play his dream role every night. I was in a play at a community theater I had never worked with before and met some absolutely wonderful people. I helped choreograph a kid's show with one of my dearest friends. I got to see my sisters in their spring musical where my sister absolutely ROCKED her senior leading role- Dolly Levi in Hello Dolly!- every single night. I get to be in a show my mom is directing this summer, something I haven't done since 2011. I didn't cry as much, I felt needed and loved. I applied and was accepted to Brenau University and I CANNOT WAIT to start in the fall. I love school and I can't wait to be in a place where I'm actually happy to be there.
What I've learned is that not every journey is the same. Transferring doesn't make you a bad student, it doesn't make you weak. If anything, recognizing that you are not where you need to be and deciding to actually do something about it is an incredibly strong thing to do.
I have finally decided to live life properly and nothing and no one will stop me.
