An Arabic proverb says, “The words of the tongue should have three gatekeepers. The first gatekeeper asks, “Is it true?” The second, “Is it kind?” The third, “Is it necessary?”

Ideally, somewhere in a perfect universe, we all use those gatekeepers at all times. We all walk around clothed in kindness and pleasantness. There is no such thing as RBF. We all are enjoyable conversationalists, great listening ears and comforting advisors.

But alas, we are not at that point quite yet. For now, we live in a world where you can get yelled at by your Uber driver and steal your Republican National Convention speech from another person. Here we are, and we have to work with what we've got.

Having a conversation with someone can become a very challenging mission. Especially if it's before 10 am on a Monday... And even in other more comfortable instances, it is a difficult thing to do right. I believe in the power of communication that can transform someone's day and sometimes change someone's life. But it's very difficult to become a good communicator - people spend their whole lives trying to come up with ways to win friends and influence people and change their habits to become better talkers and listeners. It's hard, because to communicate well, you have to both listen and reply carefully, understand the other person and make sure you are being understood too, all the while also trying to prevent the chat from becoming boring and your conversation partner falling asleep while you're blabbering on about Pokemon Go or something.

For me, it's a constant struggle. I have often found myself feeling very unfulfilled after a conversation, wishing that I had said something more or, sometimes, that I had said a bit less and listened instead. Often I let my habit of being snarky and sarcastic get the best of me. A lot of times I end up feeling guilty for not being completely honest with someone or not reciprocating their happy mood. I spend a lot of time thinking about what I could do better, and I try to work on it.

However, I think everybody needs little reminders now and then about what can help you be better at both talking and listening. You can create an atmosphere around you that people will want to be a part of. Here are some things that help me:

1. Look up.

...from your phone! That text can wait. You have an actual alive person in front of you. And let's not even start about those pokemons.

2. Listen to actually hear, not to reply.

That's a hard one to do. We all want to share and be heard. But if we all just share and no one listens and tries to understand, there is no actual communication happening.

3. Do all you can to avoid participating in gossip.

Don't encourage it. Try to not listen to it. Don't talk about people if you're not sure that the information is true, kind and necessary (remember the three gatekeepers!).

4. Aspire to be the most genuine and warm interaction in someone's day.

You never know what people might be going through. Who knows, maybe your "hello" with a smile and "hope you have a better day" at the end of a conversation is the best thing they'll hear all day. Try to make that possible.

5. Pleasantries can seem fake, but they can make a lot of difference.

I am Russian, and in my culture people usually do not smile unless they really mean to and don't ask " how are you" unless they really care and truly want to know. There is beauty in that, because you know people are mostly honest with you. But it can also get pretty rude pretty fast, if you're not careful. I think that there is some value in the American way of smiling, thanking and greeting each other and taking a second to ask how someone's doing. Just put a little more thought into it instead of doing it on autopilot.

6. Don't say you're doing great if you're actually having the worst day ever. Be honest.

You don't have to spill all your issues on your poor friend. But if you want to be a more genuine and authentic person, start with your replies to those generic questions. You can just say "not super good," or "I've been better," instead of closing yourself up from a real truthful interaction by starting it with a lie that you're "great."

7. Compliment. Again, genuinely and honestly.

No need to always feverishly look at your friend's outfit trying to come up with a nice thing to say or reply with an awkward "thanks, and I like your... uhhh..." when you're being complimented. But when you do see something nice, please do acknowledge it! Hair, outfit, hard work, attitude, patience, the way he or she makes people feel - be thoughtful in your comments and see how much difference it makes.

8. Try to be encouraging and positive, even if you're not in the mood.

I know that sometimes you just don't feel like it. I know, when I'm feelin' the blues, everything else seems to be in the background. But attempting to be more supportive, giving people confidence and looking past your own issues or mood can help you feel better and refocus your attention from the negative.

9. Don't attempt to claim that you know how someone feels when they are in pain or in trouble - you most likely don't. Hear them out instead.

"Obviously," you will say, "I don't know exactly how they feel, but I'm just trying to relate." Yes, but they are not likely to magically feel better after hearing your memoirs about going through a similar thing. There is a time and a place for that too, but don't force it into the conversation when someone is sharing with you. It's hard to open up, so cherish that time and let the person talk and just try to hear them.

9. At least sometimes, let things that offend you slide.

There are things that need to be spoken against ASAP, like racism. But if it's something that will only cause you stress and you are not likely to change anyone's "wrong" opinions, just let it go. Let is slide and move past it. If it keeps bothering you, you can think through your reaction and come back to the person who was rude or said something wrong later. But most of the time, when people speak out of emotion, things rarely get fixed.

10. Even if the person you're talking to annoys you, be kind and fair.

There is no reason to not be. They are a person, just like you. They deserve all that you deserve. Respect them, be nice and kind, and I think you might find out that that person is not even that bad... :)

What tips help you keep yourself in check when you are talking to people?