My goals in life have always been to be the best version of myself I can be. I thought that the moment every aspect of who I was became flawless, that I would then be happy with who I am. Every day I feel the need to be the perfect student, athlete, Christian, friend and the most ideal girl. Through perfection, I thought that people would see me as perfect, as complete and put-together. I wanted to be accepted and viewed as the girl who lives without a single flaw.
As I’m writing this, I am realizing how utterly ridiculous I sound. Foolish and ignorant, I have been holding myself to standards that I can never, and will never reach. The worst part about this is that I am 18 years old and I have just realized the amount of self-damage I have put myself through over the span of my entire life.
I have always been an A student, which sets the bar pretty high for my standards for school. I put unimaginable amounts of pressure on myself to never get a B. It wasn’t until I came to college that I truly began to understand that school is not about the grade you receive, but the knowledge and the maturity you gain from the content you learn about. School is about teaching students the ways of the world and how we fit into it; the world itself is nowhere near perfect, so why should students have to be? Once I am able to leave the negative connotations behind of any grade below an A, I believe that my education will be able to grow and flourish without the boundaries of a GPA.
The most recent issue I am dealing with is in my athletics. As a college athlete, being able to perform at 100 percent at every moment given to you is crucial in determining playing time. My chronic shin splints have set me back my entire freshmen season. Having to sit out for running and high-intensity practices makes me feel as if my career is physically slipping through my fingers. Until now, I have viewed my injury as a sign of inadequacy and weakness. I have allowed myself to blame my every action in creating my injury, simply resulting in self-hate and frustration. Little did I know that I was only injuring myself more, mentally. By telling myself over and over again that I was not good enough to play my sport anyways, I became mentally weaker and unable to handle the mental challenges that come with being a collegiate athlete.
The most pressing issue I have been confronted with is my desire to be a perfect Christian. Growing up in the church, I have always thought that a perfect Christian is one who never sins and lives a life completely devoted to the Lord. As I have recently decided to dedicate my life to the Lord, I have struggled with my sin and the feeling that I have failed in my faith every time I go against the Lord. Thankfully, a close friend of mine helped me see through the guilt and shame I have been living with for the past few months. She helped me realize that we can never be perfect in the face of God and that we will always be forgiven for our sins. Guilt is simply a sign that the devil is trying to enter into your life and bring you away from the holiness of God.
Once I came to realize just how much pressure I was putting on myself to be perfect, I was able to seek freedom through the idea that I can never be perfect and never will be. The truth is that nobody will every be perfect, even the girl who you always admire on Instagram and Facebook for looking like she has the perfect life. She doesn’t. And even if life can never be perfect, that doesn’t mean that it can not be lived to fullest with the greatest amount of happiness poured into each and every day.
