Below I offer you, the young women of today’s society, 4 fool-proof means of defeating the basic bitch that undoubtedly lurks inside of you all (and myself as well). This article is largely satirical, and I am poking fun at myself in several of the thoughts I lay down below. There’s nothing wrong at all with being what people classify as “basic,” as long as you’re being yourself. (Unless your real self still orders a Double Chocolatey Chip Frappuccino at Starbucks…guilty!) That being said, follow this advice, and you might have some success at looking like you might be trying too hard to be original. Or you might end up looking like cool cucumber, loving every minute of being different. And not basic!
1. Choose a musician or band and learn everything about them.
One of the key elements in deceiving your peers and the world at large about the basic bitch you are is this: to worship a musical artist or group (preferably one from the 1980s or earlier) and to force all of your friends to listen to you drone on and on about how transformative their music has been for you as a woman, growing up in the harsh world of today. Young women who are truly committed to combatting their basic natures often listen to all of the albums about which they rave and even study biographical information about the musicians themselves. They may even listen to the groups’ albums on their Crosley turntable their daddy bought for them at Urban Outfitters. Others, less dedicated to the defeat of basic bitches everywhere but nevertheless seeking to hide their own basic-ness albeit through deceit, often preach about the band they “adore,” wear band merchandise purchased for over $70 at Free People and play the band’s top three most renowned songs on repeat. What these young women don’t tell you is that they Googled “bands that make you look cool,” scrolled down a few names to avoid being discovered, and began worshiping Phish or the Grateful Dead because the Internet told them to.
2. Choose your Starbucks order wisely.
Perhaps the deadest of giveaways that you’re just another basic individual is your Starbucks order. The Skinny Vanilla Latte. The Nonfat Pumpkin Spice Latte when autumn rolls around. The Soy Iced Chai. The Venti Unsweetened Iced Green Tea because you’re on a diet for real this time. All of these orders reek of the typical basic female youth of America. Choose something different. Think outside the box. A simple Medium Roast will leave your friends guessing. “Is she really going to, like, drink that black?” “Like, does she at least want to put a Splenda in there?” Your girl pals will be confused, but intrigued by your unique drink of choice. And the boys will love it. Who knew something as simple as a cup of coffee could say so much about your extraordinary nature?
3. Perfect your Snapchat game.
Basic girls everywhere use Snapchat to clue their friends into what is going on in their everyday lives, be they out-of-this-world or mundane. Generally they toss the tan filter onto a selfie, taken in their sunnies of the day, or speed up a video of their best friend singing to a rap song on XM HipHopNation. You, dear ones, who have chosen to forsake your basic ways, must now step up to the plate and create Snapchat stories that will leave everyone wanting to live your life, to be as edgy, cool, and effortless as you are. The rest of the world doesn’t need to know that you spent 4 minutes attempting to focus your camera on the bottle of Rolling Rock you were holding in front of the setting sun. They don’t need to know you slaved over your picture-perfect avocado toast, lightly dusted with red pepper flakes, for roughly 15 minutes, burning the first slice of gluten-free, vegan, calorie-free bread to a crisp and having to start over. All they’ll glean from your Snapstory is that you’re one cool gal and that you march to the beat of your own drum. Rock on!
4. Create a rad Spotify mix.
You can learn a whole lot about a person based on what they are listening to on the old Spotify app. Young women of the basic variety tend to listen to songs that speak to their internal struggles and to the deep intricacies of their hearts. Songs like “Roses” by the Chainsmokers and “Sorry” by our all-time favorite, Justin Bieber, have become the battle cries of female adolescents across the nation, and though they are amazing songs (which are also on my Spotify playlist), they may give away that you too are a basic girly girl. So, what advice do I, a fellow basic-bitch-in-denial, have for you? Start with your playlist name. Make it something out-there, poetic, and totally intriguing. Then choose your music. Toss in some songs you don’t even know, but ones you know will make you look fun and approachable. Listen to this mix on repeat, and make it your signature sound. Do this, and you’ll be set.
