The Ultimate Procrastinator’s Guide To Barely Passing Your Finals
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The Ultimate Procrastinator’s Guide To Barely Passing Your Finals

Some horribly accurate final exam advice.

The Ultimate Procrastinator’s Guide To Barely Passing Your Finals
marke1996 / Flickr

1. During Finals Week, Only Get A Solid One to Four Hours Of Sleep Per Night.

It has been statistically proven by yours truly that only getting a limited amount of sleep during one of the most stressful weeks of your life will definitely not screw you over. It is a mixture of staying up attempting to/actually studying and being so worried about everything that you simply can’t sleep. I like to call it obtaining, “mental toughness”, as well as obtaining irreversible bags under your eyes. But don’t worry, they’re designer.

2. Consume At Least Two Cups Of Coffee Per Day.

In order to combat the intense exhaustion you will experience, you will need to consume at least two cups of coffee per day. Forget soda, energy drinks, or other forms of caffeine. Old fashioned coffee is where it’s at. It will provide you with all the energy you need, jitters and shakes included. It’s cheap, yummy, and Starbucks also has free Wi-Fi. Did I mention the aesthetic you’ll have with your dirty sweatpants on, homework scattered about, eyes full of regret and lack of sleep? You’re killing it, kid.

3. Try To Study And Be Productive, Then Proceed To Watch Netflix For Five Hours.

Ah, yes. The timeless Netflix dilemma. It haunts us college folk day after day, but it heightens during finals week. The hour-long episodes of God-knows-what are at least 10 times more alluring during this time. It usually starts like this: You sit down to study. You pull out your books and your laptop. You are browsing through study guides, reading last minute books you should’ve finished in November, and before you know it you see yourself typing in the letters N-E-T-F-L-I-X into the browser. There is no turning back after this. Soon, you will be 3 seasons and 5 hours deep into "Grey's Anatomy," which will make you consider switching to Pre-Med.

4. Every Hour Or So, Ponder How Much Money You’ll Save If You Drop Out Of School.

So, you’re halfway through a study guide when you start thinking, “What if I dropped out?” I mean, it is a logical question. But this small question will open the door to more questions such as, “What will happen if I drop out?” “How much is minimum wage?” “Could I do online school?” They will all swirl through your brain as you are trying to focus on the task at hand, studying for a final that you should’ve been studying for 2 weeks ago but decided to take 3 consecutive naps instead. Soon, dropping out seems like a more feasible task than getting an A on your calc final.

5. Calculate The Lowest Grade You Can Get On The Exam To Still Pass The Course And Cry.

As you are skimming through your grades, you have the ultimate light bulb moment. “What is the lowest grade I can get on the final in order to pass the class?” and you get to work. Adding the total points for the class, dividing it by other numbers, adding in the weight of the class somewhere into the equation, and there you have it. The list of calculations that will either make you sigh in relief or cry tears of real pain. If you’re lucky, you’ll be one of those people who would have to get a D on the final exam in order to get an A in the class. But since you’re a procrastinating, hoping for the best goofball, it is likely you’ll be one of those people who will have to get a B on the exam just to get a B, possibly even a C, in the class. So, what are you still doing reading this? You’ve got some studying (and possibly some praying) to do my friend.

6. Take The Final(s), Wait A Week, And See That You Passed. Celebrate By Napping, Guilt Free.

You’ve completed your studying. The time has come. Finals week. You are sleep deprived, most likely under-prepared, but you are resilient. You could’ve dropped out a week ago! Hired someone to take that History final for you. Slipped a $100 bill underneath your instructor's office door with a sticky note attached that said, “Pretty please don’t fail me.” But you didn’t. You powered through. You (attempted to) study. You cried real tears onto the pages of those $300 textbooks you opened for the first time all semester. Now is the time to show the world what you’re made of. So you walk into that class, sit down, take a deep breath and mutter a plethora of swear words under your breath. You finish, walk out, and get off campus as quickly as humanly possible. A week later you pull up your school’s website for grading. Look at you. You did it. You passed your finals, barely. I am proud of you. But take some advice from a true procrastination veteran. Stop putting yourself through hell at the end of every semester. Just stop. You’ll thank me later.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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