Hello, it's me, finals season, your favorite time of the year. I bring you such anxiety and sleepless nights. I cause you to stress, lose hair, and eventually, give up on your dreams. I am pure evil.
That's what I imagine the physical manifestation of finals to sound like. Truth is, finals season is awful. Everyone is scrambling, people are stressed, and worst of all, people feel helpless. But don't worry, I've been through finals twice now (I'm practically an expert, what can I say), and I'm here to give you the Ultimate Guide to Surviving Finals. It's an 11-step program that is super easy to complete. Trust me.
1. Cry uncontrollably, preferably in a public place like the library.
This shows your fellow peers that you've been working hard and are breaking down. Don't worry, it's not a sign of weakness. It's a sign of dominance. You've been working hard. The stress is getting to you. Show them you're the alpha (fe)male and let it all out.
2. Call your mom at least five times a day to the point that it disrupts her daily life.
This way you can prove to your mom/parents that since you are studying so hard and preparing so hard, that you just can't take it anymore. Be sure to throw in ideas of dropping out, giving up, and switching majors. Parents will love that. It proves to them that college is really making you think about life.
3. Curl into the fetal position so much that your back starts to ache.
This one is one that you should also do in public. It helps if you hit your head a few times, pull out hair, or scream really loudly while doing this as well. Once again, it shows that instead of letting the stress get to you, you simply are just... taking a break. People will appreciate you and definitely follow in your lead.
4. Scream.
You guessed it, this one is good to do in public, too. People won't know if you've been murdered or what. But this is a good thing. When they ask if you're OK, just say, "Sorry, that was the sound of me murdering my exams because I've studied so much and am definitely not on the verge of a psychotic break." People will know come to know you as the definition of "calm, cool, and collected."
5. Start to pull out your hair.
When people notice your bald spots, they'll know how hard you've been studying. It'll show everyone who's really boss in the collegiate world. Plus, haven't you heard? Ever since Britney's meltdown in 2007, bald is so in.
6. Consume an unhealthy amount of coffee.
Nothing says, "I'm ready to kill finals," like shaking hands and the ability to feel the blood running through your body. The more coffee you drink, the more likely you are to pass finals. That's my motto. Trust me on this one, drinking coffee is the key to your success.
7. Stay awake for at least 48 hours or more.
This one is key. If you've slept, have you really even studied for finals at all? The answer is no, you haven't. The less sleep you have, the more likely that the answers to your finals and the words to your finals are going to magically appear.
8. Snap at one of your friends.
Don't worry, they'll understand. It's only natural to lose friends during finals and then once they're over, to go back to normal again. If you snap at your friend, maybe throw in a shady insult or two, you will definitely be winning finals. This shows that you've been studying so much, you simply cannot deal with anything else.
9. Smash your laptop.
This lets people know that you've reached the point where you know everything for your finals, and that you've completed all your papers. People will think that you're just losing it, but in reality, you are just showing them that you are the best. That you've reached the pinnacle of studying for finals.
10. Lose grip with reality.
This one definitely lets people know who's in charge and that you're busy making finals your b***h. When people start to talk to you or ask you questions, take a lesson from Donnie Darko and start to reply in vague, weird answers like: "The world is going to end in 28 days, 6 hours, 42 minutes, and 12 seconds." Are you going to creep a few people out? Sure. But will they know that you are going to ace your finals? Definitely.
11. Give up.
Nothing says that you're really getting into the finals spirit like giving up all together. Just give up, drop out of school, and become a hippie or something, because finals really, really, really suck.
