How is it that the same body that makes me feel so euphoric, so on top of the world, and so invincible, also makes me want to break down and sob at the very first glance at a reflection?
Being a trans man, I'm in a never ending war with my body and how I view it. Some days I feel like God hand crafted me himself, but days like today, I wish I didn't exist. My arms feel like frail toothpicks, regardless of how much food I force myself to eat and how many hours I spend working my ass off in the gym. My face looks soft and round, like that of an awkward girl mid-puberty. My chest feels full and burdened as if I didn't spend eight thousand dollars to get those monsterous lumps removed. I look in the mirror and its like the past 5 years of weekly testosterone shots never even happened. In these scenarios I'm always tempted to punch the mirror and shatter the taunting reflection laughing back at me.
Some days I think I've finally beaten these demons and laid them to rest. It's always when I'm riding the highest, that they creep up out of no where and knock me off my pedestal to rock bottom. Each time I do hit rock bottom, it's always one level lower than the last time. The thoughts come back a little darker, a little scarier, and therefore a little more difficult to overcome. The voice in my head tries it's hardest to convince me I'm a lousy son, friend, boyfriend, person. It tells me that I'm a bother to everyone's life that I've inconvenienced. I want to scream and shout because no matter what I do, they can't be silenced.
I feel like a fraud. A hypocrite. A coward. How can I be someone who preaches self love, patience, and confidence when I so often feel lower than dirt myself? I advise everyone to be kind to themselves, to tell the voice to shut up and keep persevering but I can't seem to do it for myself. I encourage others to reach out, whether its to me or to someone else, to talk and get their feelings out in the open, just to turn around and be a closed off, emotionless wall. How do I talk about something I can't even explain? My head is so loud and these thoughts feel like they're slowly expanding inside my skull until it inevitably explodes. It feels like I'm trying to breathe through a clogged straw after a sprint.
When these days happen, I try to surround myself with the things that I love and what loves me. I reach out to a friends just to say "love you", I blare my favorite music, I call my mom (who would tell me she's proud of me simply for breathing), I get a grueling workout in at the gym in hopes to wash those demons away. I repeat to myself in my head that I am loved and I have a great life that I'm lucky to be living. Self positive affirmations may sound cliché, but no one else can convince you that you're worthy, it starts from within. I buckle down and try to remind myself that while life is a living hell when these days occur, I've gotten through every single one of them I thought I never would.
I've found it's helped when I'm having either a bad day, or a great day, to either write down or record my feelings so I can look back on them in the future and remind myself that I've gotten through the darkness before and that I will again. I remember how great it feels to be having a good day feeling like I'm the hottest thing since sliced bread, and hold on for more of those upcoming days. Life truly is a roller coaster, constantly driving you into the ground just before launching you sky high. You might be at the bottom now, but brace yourself for lift off.
I know others have the same feelings about themselves, and if you can relate, my heart breaks for you. It is truly a pain I would not wish upon my worst enemy. I'm not writing this to get pity from strangers on the internet or to purposely make someone feel bad for me to get their validation, I'm writing this because I know I'm not the only person in the world that experiences this kind of thing. If this applies to you or if you can relate in any way, just know you're not alone andwe can take comfort in that together. You're aloud to have bad days where you want to hide yourself away from the world, you're aloud to feel like the world would be better off without you in it, but that voice in your head telling you so is wrong. You're human, be kind to yourself. These feelings won't last, they never do, there are brighter days ahead. You just have to hold on for them. There doesn't have to be a reason as to why you're having a bad day or having bad thoughts about yourself. Just be patient with yourself, let yourself feel all the emotions that are washing over you, let them strengthen you. Keep moving forward.
