The Master
Aziz Ansari has become more and more popular recently. Reasonably so, as I think he is hilarious. From his Tom Haverford character on Parks and Recreation to his new show that he has created, written and starred in, “Master of None.” If you haven’t seen it, you need to check it out. The show itself also seems to coincide and bring to life his new book that he has written, “Modern Romance.”
Teaming up with a professional sociologist, Aziz takes on the new dating and relational scene as he examines it in our new technological context. He not only tells you about the issues and struggles within this new context, but is alongside you as he himself tries to piece love together. Aziz not only prophetically speaks directly into this context but is himself a passenger alongside us. Anything that sounds remotely smart or any quotes in this post have been taken from his new book — make sure you check it out.
It's a Mess
After reading the new book, it’s easy to see how confused this new generation has become with the addition of social media, texting, sexting, Tinder and increasing divorce rates to their dating scene. These things, and others, have affected and changed the way we view things like love, sex and marriage. The average age of first marriage is around the late twenties in the US, progressively growing older and older as people are deciding to experience more single life or weigh more options out.
Two years after Tinder started it had two billion swipes and twelve million matches a day. The average user was logging on eleven times per day at seven minutes per session adding up to 1.25 hours a day by the end of 2014. I think the data speaks for itself, but interpret it how you’d like.
There are places in Japan called hostess clubs, where men pay women to have intimate, personal service in a romantic, yet unsexual way, instead of having sex with them. They basically treat you as a wife or girlfriend would . One guy, Al, described it this way, “It’s like, I’m lonely, I’m scared of people, I need to vent or just have a drink with someone who will listen to me and not judge me. They’re paying for the security. They’re paying not to be rejected.” I think we all know this feeling, we all have ways of coping with that as well. Japan also has a place called Soapland, where a guy pays to have a girl put soapy water all over them and slide around on him. I could mention a lot more about the state of these things but it’s easier to just say it’s a mess.
Throwing in the Towel
I don’t bring these things up to look down on culture or people — these are my people and my culture. I am a part of this not outside of it. Marriage scares me as well. The easy accessibility to Tinder is tempting to me too and the loneliness that leads people to computer screens, hostess clubs and Soapland are in me as well, although Soapland sounds a little nutty.
But in the middle of this mess. I wonder, are we giving up too easily? Many people my age aren’t interested in settling down — we are more focused on the experience. Settling down with one person doing the same thing all the time frankly sounds boring in a culture where we have so much new and exciting stuff always happening. There is always something new coming out or something better — we don’t want to miss out on that. But, more importantly, I hear the brokenness that has been left from broken marriages. I have no statistic, but it appears to be one of the leading causes of lack of desire for marriage. I could be wrong, though.
Divorce rates have had conflicting reports some saying it’s on the rise some saying its on the decline. Regardless, almost everyone I know has divorced parents and I’m sure you probably have a similar surrounding. This has given a lack of hope in marriage and in love, at least for a good amount of people. We’ve seen the closest relationships to us fall apart and we don’t want that same path so we throw in the towel.
Is Love Possible?
This is a natural response that I think makes sense. It truly seems hopeless. Aziz makes a great point that it seems insane to agree to be with one person forever. Have you met another human? It’s going to be rough to stay married. But is there any hope? I think that our parents might have thrown the towel in too early. Aziz shows that there are two kinds of states of love in relationships. There is passionate love, where “you and your partner are just going ape shit for each other.”
The dopamine gets flowing in your brain and you are in pleasure mode but it eventually fades away. Companionate love is kind of the flip — it is less intense, but grows strong over time. The idea is that the longer you are with someone, the greater the companionate love grows, which is stronger and more enjoyable for both involved, ideally. Now, meet my grandparents and you might have a different story, but that’s because this doesn’t naturally happen-- there is an active part on both individuals to continue to love and show grace to each other.
Loving the Unlovely
Aziz concludes that we are all like a Flo Rida song and the more time you spend with us, the more you see how special we are. I reject this not only because Flo Rida sucks regardless of how many times you listen to him, but also because I think it’s not being honest about people. Companionate love grows not because we see how special the person is, but rather we learn to love the person even though we may not think they are always special.
Companionate love grows because we are continuously loved when we don’t deserve it, when we are unlovable. Through this is something even more special, it isn’t some cheesy bullshit saying someone is so so special and we just missed it because we didn’t stick around too long but rather someone is so screwed up like we all are and we continued to love them anyways with their baggage and their faults. This is the love that lasts.
