I've been picking and biting at my nail beds again.
I realize that this is not a lovely picture to envision and I'm sure I could have worded it much more eloquently than such but its the truth. I've done it for as long as I can remember. And I don't really realize that I'm doing it until my boyfriend nudges me and tells me to knock it off or I come back down to earth from whatever strange tangent I've been floating off on in my head.
Its a nervous habit. One that I seemingly cannot kick.
I vividly remember standing in the middle of the basketball court as a preteen, my teeth constantly finding their way to my nails and the surrounding area as I waited to get mowed down by the other girls, ones that were far more skilled and (a majority of the time) much, much larger than I. Or the times I nervously sat in one test or another during grade school and steadfastly held one hand to my mouth because I knew that I would not be bringing home any kind of stellar grade in the distant future.
I've got a lot of nervous habits though. I play with my hair a lot when I leave it down, often hiding behind it when I need a security blanket of sorts. My eyes wander, my body shakes, my insides do somersaults. I just attribute it all to nerves.
And really just about everything makes me nervous. That just seems to be the kind of person I am. A very, very nervous one. Anxiety is a very real and unrelenting disorder, as I have come to find out both throughout my entire existence on this earth and the current semester.
There is a near-constant plague of doubt that takes me a majority of the time, gnawing at the small amount of self confidence that I have created for myself. It consumes me whole. It scares me.
That is something that is very hard for me to deal with. Being scared. I'm scared of just about everything.
I've always had the kind of anxiety that takes you from within and flips you inside out but no where near as harsh as the kind I've gone through this semester. Nothing has ever felt so devastatingly debilitating. Nothing.
Coming down from those nervous highs is like coming up for air. And I suppose it truly is in a way. My asthmatic lungs can relax, no longer working double time to control air flow at rapid speeds. My heart can take a chill pill, finally slowing to a regular rhythm that will not land me in the ER. My body can relax, a feeling of calm is able to slowly wash over me like a wave.
People tend to view mental illness as a made up, pseudo ailment that people use for a variety of reasons. This is simply incorrect. Mental disorders are as real as any physical condition. The stigma surrounding mental disorders is unfair and further supports the idea that these ailments are fake, taking away a piece of who people are. The mind is arguably the most important piece of the body, controlling how we think, move, and be. The clouding of the mind that comes with mental illness is difficult to cope with and worthy of being known, discussed, and helped so that people can find treatment if and when they need it.
October holds a variety of national awareness days that support various groups of people so that they may truly show who they are and what they stand for. Though some view "national days" as a silly way to bring attention to various things, it does help to show people just how important these groups are. May is typically the month given for Mental Health Awareness, yet, this is the way that we should view each and every month throughout the year.
It is our job as decent humans to simply treat other beings with respect. You never truly know what someone else is going through without walking a mile in their shoes. Everyone is facing problems on some level, even when outsiders cannot see them. Respect people. Show understanding, Show support and love to all. Accept others as they are. Give a helping hand to those in need and even those that may not say they need it, often times these are the people that need it the most.
It is really a simple task, allowing for others to be happy. We all play a role in each others lives so why not help others to achieve this happiness as we strive to attain our own?
