For long as I can remember, I have loved swimming. Contrary to the misconception that black people cannot swim, I joined the swim team just so I could enjoy the sensation on a daily basis. However, just because I could swim, did not mean I wanted to do it competitively. Even if I did have a tolerance for competitive swimming, it’s not like I was any good at it. I swam with the YMCA youth swim team for three years, and during those years I only progressed to the half-way point of most of my peers. I was last for most of my meets and barely made second place for the others.
Yet, just to add insult injury, every child was given a ribbon for their efforts, no matter what place they got. Unfortunately, I was always pleased to receive such awards and had no trouble showing them off. As long as I got to swim, it didn’t really matter to me.
This blissful ignorance came into play when I decided to join the swim team in high school. The mock awards I’ve obtained and my passion for the water seemed enough to succeed in this sport.
Boy, was I ever wrong about something.
Not only was I the slowest person the team had ever seen, I was contributing nothing to the meets and, while we were the reigning champions in Girls Swimming, my failures only made it harder for the team to pick up my slack and still achieve victory. I began to hate the one thing I once felt such excitement for; yet I stayed until the end, just in case the situation got better. (Spoiler Alert: it did not.)
This ritual of giving every child a ribbon or trophy because they gave “effort” is getting absolutely ridiculous. Carol Dweck, a psychology professor at Stanford University, found that kids respond positively to praise; they enjoy hearing that they’re talented, smart and so on. But after such praise of their innate abilities, they collapse at the first experience of difficulty.
The child who almost drowned at his first swim meet will not try to improve because he was given ribbon for “Most Effort”. The child who has health issues and complications will not change her eating habits because she was told that she was pretty as she was. A child was told she was a genius and smarter than her peers and, after riding on the back of empty arrogance, is failing college courses and has no idea how to study or improve.
This constant praise to children may boost their ego, but does nothing to help them further their abilities. The child then grows up, soon realizing this, and, for those who want to continue the facade of "genuis", the fear of devastating failure pushes them to cheat instead of facing a painful defeat. Those who don’t cheat, break down and crash under the tiniest sign of trouble. This goes not only for sports, but for every other activity the child takes part in.
This does not only exaggerate the actual strength of the child who has no talent, but it underappreciates the talents and efforts of the child who ACTUALLY did something worthwhile. When you give equal praise to the one with talent and effort and to the one with no talent and minimal effort, you’re telling the achiever that his efforts are on par with the kid who couldn’t care less.
Honestly, who are you even trying to kid? It’s not like the child doesn’t know they failed. By the age of four or five, the child understands failure and defeat. The trophies aren’t hiding anything. The coach knows, the other kids know, the other parents know, you know, and your child knows. Giving trophies to children who lose only adds insult to injury. It’s putting their failure on pedestal and draping it in gold, as if saying “I’m a failure and I’m proud because they gave me something shiny to make up for my mistakes.”
“Timmy gave his all, scored most of the points, and is the fastest player on the team. Jason peed his pants and ate questionable items off the floor for the entire game. You both get trophies!” I don’t think so. Sorry Jason, but there is only one kid who deserves the praise. Better luck next time.
But, what’s this you say? Losing will only be more emotionally painful for the child in the future? Kenneth Barish, a Psychology Professor at Weill Medical College, says that it’s best for kids to lose sometimes.
“I let young children win, but not every time. Letting a child win does not teach a lack of respect for authority or encourage a denial of reality. It is an empathic recognition that kids are kids - and, being kids, they learn to accept disappointment, and the limitations of their own skills, gradually, through practice.”
Losing is just a part of life and it’s a lesson, that when learned at an early age, can help the child learn to accept and face reality with more ease.
Parents, I know you want to boost your child’s ego and make him feel like a winner. But the truth is this: your child is gonna suck at something. This is the reality of the world we live in. As students, we know that the economy is hard and finding a job in this mess is hard as it is. Help your kids out by letting them lose. Let them learn how to improve on their mistakes so they can succeed. Help them figure out for themselves that basketball or science is just not for them. Let them find their own strengths and weaknesses.
We don’t want a trophy. We want a skill and we want to succeed.
And this “Good Job” ribbon isn’t doing shit for anyone.
