From 2012 to 2014, my uncle, grandpa, aunt, and mother died. Long story short, I've been furious with God. This anger, naturally, led me to atheism and agnosticism; after all these years, however, I've decided that there may be something to this whole religion thing.
My story:
My anger made me want to become a nonbeliever and I wanted to make sure others knew how stupid it was to believe in God, too.
Because I felt like some people were forcing religion on me, I watched atheist YouTube videos and learned what all the best comebacks would be against "Christian Bullshit."
I walked away from these debates with euphoria because I often won. Later, however, I felt just as dead inside as I did prior to the encounter.
Junior year of high school and onward, I drowned myself in alcohol while blaring music in my ears as a distraction from my reality. I thought I was fine though, I mean, my grades didn’t slip too much, and that's what matters, right?
I made it to college and moved away from the drinking. I've received good grades, my suicidal thoughts have mostly subsided, and I have even made some great friends! Despite all of these great things, however, I have still felt so empty and so lost; there was still an inner peace I was missing.
In desperation, I looked to God and thought to myself,
"I can live this sad and angry life with Him by my side or by myself."
I have decided that getting through this with God sounds better at the moment. Why? It's the better story. Consider this:
The better story:
I watched "Life of Pi" freshman year of college. Looking back, it's clear that it suggests a strong message about religion, and I have ignored it until now.
[You need to understand the movie to understand my religious journey, but I might spoil it in the process, so SPOILER ALERT.]
The movie is about the voyage of a boy (Pi) who ends up on a lifeboat after a shipwreck where he loses his family. On this raft, to his surprise, he finds a tiger, an orangutan, a hyena and a zebra.
Resources are scarce, so (naturally) some of the animals end up eating each other. By the end, the tiger and Pi are the only ones left on the lifeboat, they soon become friends!
This all comes to an end, however, when they reach land. Pi passes out on the beach and watches the tiger walk into the forest -- never to be seen again.
After this, Pi finds himself in a hospital bed surrounded by officials who want to know what happened. The officials don't buy it, so he presents them with another story where, as Wikipedia puts it,
“he is adrift on a lifeboat not with zoo animals, but with the ship's cook, a sailor with a broken leg, and his own mother. The cook amputates the sailor's leg for use as fishing bait then kills the sailor himself as well as Pi's mother for food, and soon he is killed by Pi, who dines on him.”
The investigators note parallels between the stories presented and conclude that,
“the hyena symbolizes the cook, the zebra the sailor, the orangutan Pi's mother, and the tiger represents Pi.”
Since neither story can be proven, Pi asks the officials which story they prefer to report. They choose the story with the animals.
Why? They can never know what happened on the raft, but one is the better story because it helps Pi and the officials sleep at night.
That's why this movie made me conclude recently because, similarly, we don't know what's true and what isn't about religion, but what is true is that religion helps some people sleep at night. It's why I've decided to give it a second shot.
What helps me sleep at night:
We fight a lot about what we can really know about religion, but by getting lost in the details (like the officials in the movie), we might be missing out on a happier existence.
The better story for me right now might be one where God has a plan for me, a plan where my suffering is part of a greater plan that my finite human mind cannot understand.
This story might help me sleep at night; that's got to be worth something. Right?
My grandma lost her husband and her only three kids in the span of five years just as I lost those same individuals, yet she's been able to cope with this through her unshakable faith.
Her faith makes her fearless. She is happy. She is hopeful. She feels peace. I want that.
To my fellow believers, I ask that you please pray for me during this journey.
To my fellow agnostics and atheists; you do you, but this is something worth considering.
Proof of God's existence:
I haven't researched this topic as much since my agnostic and atheist research days, but I've recently read that there's more truth to religion from a historical and anthropological standpoint than we agnostics and atheists may have thought at first. It's worth a second look.
Heck, ask God for proof! Pray to Him - even as a thought experiment. You may be surprised to find Him communicating with you, but you've got to be open to listening.
Best wishes, whatever your spiritual journey may be. I just wanted to share mine. Thanks for reading.
