Realizing I Wasn't Asexual, But Instead Sexually Traumatized, Was So Hard For Me
Start writing a post
Health and Wellness

Realizing I Wasn't Asexual, But Instead Sexually Traumatized, Was So Hard For Me

I didn't want to be touched, but it took me awhile to realize I just didn't want to be touched by him.

2623
Woman

Around the age of 18, I started questioning if I was asexual or not. I was sexually active with my boyfriend at the time (yes, him, my rapist) but I started to feel uneasy when he touched me. Eventually, that feeling turned to disgust and fear. I told him I was asexual or I was so depressed that I lost my sex drive. So, we stopped having sex.

Well, he would try and push me or guilt me, but we didn't have any sexual relations the last year and a half of our relationship. The problem with my theory of asexuality was I still felt desire. I would still masturbate (yes, women and non-binary people masturbate and I'm comfortable admitting that). How could I be asexual, defined as without sexual feelings or associations, but still have sexual desires and fantasies?

My ex was pissed when he found out I masturbated, not like I was hiding it. I assumed he would know this as I knew he did. He was so angry and upset with me. His words on the matter were, "If you have enough sexual feelings to masturbate, you have enough to sleep with me." That's when it hit me. I wasn't asexual, I just wasn't sexually attracted to him. I struggled with the idea of not being attracted to my partner. I found him good-looking, yet I felt disgusted at his naked form and his touch.

It wasn't until I started seeing a therapist during my sophomore year of college that I discovered the problem. I had PTSD. Post-traumatic stress disorder simply is a disorder in which a person has difficulty recovering after experiencing or witnessing a terrifying event. My therapist took my symptoms of nightmares and asexuality and anxiety and my discomfort with men and loud noises as PTSD from my sexual assault and rape experiences.

Which made sense, for I had an easier time flirting and fantasizing with women instead of men. I find myself more comfortable dating women and non-binary individuals, that being said I'm still sexually attracted to all genders. I just have a harder time trusting men. I flinch if a man raises his voice too loud or advances toward me too quickly.

I now know that I'm not asexual and yet I still can't bring myself to have sex. I want to, I want to experience people and get a feel for my comfort level and preferences, but I have a panic attack anytime something becomes romantic or physical. I'm not just terrified of sex, I'm terrified of relationships and love. I don't want to be committed to anyone with being so confused on what I want in a partner. I also don't want to be hurt again.

So, I've promised myself at least a year, maybe two. No sexual or romantic relationships for that time. This way I can continue to see my therapist and figure everything out. I need time to feel comfortable in my own skin and I urge anyone who questioning these same problems to seek a therapist or counselor.

I know how lost and confused I felt during this time and no one deserves that. There are numerous differences between asexuality and sexual trauma. It's possible to become asexual after being sexually traumatized, but they're not the same. I hope to one day be comfortable enough to get back out there, but until then I'll heal and focus on me.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Featured

Deep in the Heart of Texas

A Texan's responsibilities when introducing an out-of-stater to Texas culture.

105

While in college, you are bound to be friends with at least one person who is not from Texas. Now Texas is a culture of its own, and it is up to you to help introduce them to some good ole Texas traditions during their time here. Show your friends that famous Southern hospitality!

Keep Reading... Show less
Featured

Marching Through March

Some appreciation for the month of March.

810
Pexels

I love the entire year. Well, for the most part. I'm not a big fan of Winter, but even then, every month has something that's pretty great. November? Thanksgiving. December? Winter Holidays. January? New Year's. February? Valentine's and Single Awareness Day. May? Existential dread during finals. But for me, March has always been my favorite month of the year, and for good reason.

Keep Reading... Show less
Content Inspiration

Top 3 Response Articles of This Week

See what's trending in our creator community!

2194
Top 3 Response Articles of This Week
gouletballet.files.wordpress.com

Welcome to post-spring break week on Odyssey! Our creators have a fresh batch of articles to inspire you as you hit the books again. Here are the top three response articles of last week:

Keep Reading... Show less
Featured

5 high paying jobs don't need a college degree

Trade School Graduates Make Lucrative Careers Without College Debt

4992
5 high paying jobs don't need a college degree

The common belief that a college degree is a prerequisite for a high-paying job is no longer as accurate as it once was. In today's fast-paced and ever-evolving world, many lucrative career opportunities do not require a traditional four-year degree. As an expert in career development and workforce trends.

Keep Reading... Show less
Featured

The Enduring Legacy of Pink Floyd's 'Dark Side of the Moon

Its the 50 year anniversary

4921
The Enduring Legacy of Pink Floyd's 'Dark Side of the Moon

Since its release on March, 1973, Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" has stood the test of time as one of the most iconic and influential albums in the history of rock music. Combining thought-provoking lyrics, innovative production techniques, and a captivating album cover, it captured the imagination of millions of listeners and continues to hold a special place in the hearts of fans worldwide. In this article, we delve into the making, themes, and enduring influence of this groundbreaking album.

Keep Reading... Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments