Realizing I Wasn't Asexual, But Instead Sexually Traumatized, Was So Hard For Me
Start writing a post
Health and Wellness

Realizing I Wasn't Asexual, But Instead Sexually Traumatized, Was So Hard For Me

I didn't want to be touched, but it took me awhile to realize I just didn't want to be touched by him.

2804
Woman

Around the age of 18, I started questioning if I was asexual or not. I was sexually active with my boyfriend at the time (yes, him, my rapist) but I started to feel uneasy when he touched me. Eventually, that feeling turned to disgust and fear. I told him I was asexual or I was so depressed that I lost my sex drive. So, we stopped having sex.

Well, he would try and push me or guilt me, but we didn't have any sexual relations the last year and a half of our relationship. The problem with my theory of asexuality was I still felt desire. I would still masturbate (yes, women and non-binary people masturbate and I'm comfortable admitting that). How could I be asexual, defined as without sexual feelings or associations, but still have sexual desires and fantasies?

My ex was pissed when he found out I masturbated, not like I was hiding it. I assumed he would know this as I knew he did. He was so angry and upset with me. His words on the matter were, "If you have enough sexual feelings to masturbate, you have enough to sleep with me." That's when it hit me. I wasn't asexual, I just wasn't sexually attracted to him. I struggled with the idea of not being attracted to my partner. I found him good-looking, yet I felt disgusted at his naked form and his touch.

It wasn't until I started seeing a therapist during my sophomore year of college that I discovered the problem. I had PTSD. Post-traumatic stress disorder simply is a disorder in which a person has difficulty recovering after experiencing or witnessing a terrifying event. My therapist took my symptoms of nightmares and asexuality and anxiety and my discomfort with men and loud noises as PTSD from my sexual assault and rape experiences.

Which made sense, for I had an easier time flirting and fantasizing with women instead of men. I find myself more comfortable dating women and non-binary individuals, that being said I'm still sexually attracted to all genders. I just have a harder time trusting men. I flinch if a man raises his voice too loud or advances toward me too quickly.

I now know that I'm not asexual and yet I still can't bring myself to have sex. I want to, I want to experience people and get a feel for my comfort level and preferences, but I have a panic attack anytime something becomes romantic or physical. I'm not just terrified of sex, I'm terrified of relationships and love. I don't want to be committed to anyone with being so confused on what I want in a partner. I also don't want to be hurt again.

So, I've promised myself at least a year, maybe two. No sexual or romantic relationships for that time. This way I can continue to see my therapist and figure everything out. I need time to feel comfortable in my own skin and I urge anyone who questioning these same problems to seek a therapist or counselor.

I know how lost and confused I felt during this time and no one deserves that. There are numerous differences between asexuality and sexual trauma. It's possible to become asexual after being sexually traumatized, but they're not the same. I hope to one day be comfortable enough to get back out there, but until then I'll heal and focus on me.

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
Student Life

Waitlisted for a College Class? Here's What to Do!

Dealing with the inevitable realities of college life.

58300
college students waiting in a long line in the hallway
StableDiffusion

Course registration at college can be a big hassle and is almost never talked about. Classes you want to take fill up before you get a chance to register. You might change your mind about a class you want to take and must struggle to find another class to fit in the same time period. You also have to make sure no classes clash by time. Like I said, it's a big hassle.

This semester, I was waitlisted for two classes. Most people in this situation, especially first years, freak out because they don't know what to do. Here is what you should do when this happens.

Keep Reading...Show less
a man and a woman sitting on the beach in front of the sunset

Whether you met your new love interest online, through mutual friends, or another way entirely, you'll definitely want to know what you're getting into. I mean, really, what's the point in entering a relationship with someone if you don't know whether or not you're compatible on a very basic level?

Consider these 21 questions to ask in the talking stage when getting to know that new guy or girl you just started talking to:

Keep Reading...Show less
Lifestyle

Challah vs. Easter Bread: A Delicious Dilemma

Is there really such a difference in Challah bread or Easter Bread?

37561
loaves of challah and easter bread stacked up aside each other, an abundance of food in baskets
StableDiffusion

Ever since I could remember, it was a treat to receive Easter Bread made by my grandmother. We would only have it once a year and the wait was excruciating. Now that my grandmother has gotten older, she has stopped baking a lot of her recipes that require a lot of hand usage--her traditional Italian baking means no machines. So for the past few years, I have missed enjoying my Easter Bread.

Keep Reading...Show less
Adulting

Unlocking Lake People's Secrets: 15 Must-Knows!

There's no other place you'd rather be in the summer.

959183
Group of joyful friends sitting in a boat
Haley Harvey

The people that spend their summers at the lake are a unique group of people.

Whether you grew up going to the lake, have only recently started going, or have only been once or twice, you know it takes a certain kind of person to be a lake person. To the long-time lake people, the lake holds a special place in your heart, no matter how dirty the water may look.

Keep Reading...Show less
Student Life

Top 10 Reasons My School Rocks!

Why I Chose a Small School Over a Big University.

193251
man in black long sleeve shirt and black pants walking on white concrete pathway

I was asked so many times why I wanted to go to a small school when a big university is so much better. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure a big university is great but I absolutely love going to a small school. I know that I miss out on big sporting events and having people actually know where it is. I can't even count how many times I've been asked where it is and I know they won't know so I just say "somewhere in the middle of Wisconsin." But, I get to know most people at my school and I know my professors very well. Not to mention, being able to walk to the other side of campus in 5 minutes at a casual walking pace. I am so happy I made the decision to go to school where I did. I love my school and these are just a few reasons why.

Keep Reading...Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments