I'm Having Trouble Deciding Whether To Remember Him As My Boyfriend Or As My Rapist
Start writing a post

I'm Having Trouble Deciding Whether To Remember Him As My Boyfriend Or As My Rapist

How can I remember the good times when what you did haunts me every day?

I'm Having Trouble Deciding Whether To Remember Him As My Boyfriend Or As My Rapist

(Trigger Warning: This article contains sexual assault, depression, and suicidal experiences and profanity.)

Last month, I went back to my hometown for the first time this summer. I drove two and a half hours to walk the streets we once walked together. The place reeks of memories of you. And yet, it was the first time that I actually felt like I could breathe. I laid down on old dirt roads, stared up at the night sky, and just breathed.

Since we broke up in February, my head was filled with the awful experiences you put me through. I was plagued by constant nightmares of your assault. But, as my Spotify started playing "Your Betrayal" by Bullet For Your Valentine, I began to remember the good memories. I remembered you serenading me with that song as you made love to me in the back of your car on the same dirt roads I laid on.

I smiled. Then, I immediately stopped. Was I allowed to smile while thinking of you? Was I allowed to have fond memories of the man who assaulted me, ignored me, and made me feel like I was nothing of importance?

After that moment, the memories kept creeping back in. Like the time we cuddled and watched anime until the sun came up. When you held me close through the haunted houses on my birthday, even though you hated horror. When you came to me begging for help beating Resident Evil 5 on easy.

Honestly, I thought we were soulmates. We seemed perfect for each other. We both loved anime and video games and reading. We had dreams of being the best in our respective fields and we wanted to help people. We loved theatre and would sing to any type of music available. I didn't think there was anyone in the world like you.

But, we were so different in so many ways. You wanted children, I didn't. You wanted a perfect housewife and to be the breadwinner, I wanted to be independent in my career. You preferred crowds and parties, whereas I liked being alone. You had no political stance and I was constantly fighting the system to change the world for the better. I loved deep, intellectual conversations, but you talked only of the next big movie coming out.

These differences weren't easily compromised, even though you promised me they could be. For instance, when I started showing signs of PTSD from your assault, I assumed I was asexual because I no longer felt a desire for you and hated you touching me. I told you I couldn't have sex anymore and you said that was fine.

I believed you.

Then you proceeded to attempt to touch me any fucking time you could, pressuring me and making me feel guilty. Truthfully, I hardly remember anything. Everything is blurred together of what I think happened and what you made me believe actually happened. Every good memory of you is followed by you ruining it. The bad memories definitely cloud the good. But, I was blind. I believed you every time you said you were sorry and that you would change.

Now, as I'm looking through our photos together, I'm torn between keeping them or shredding them. Seeing you reminds me of what you put me through, but you were also my boyfriend of almost four years. You went everywhere I did. For four years you were involved in every activity I was. We had good times, there had to be some reason I loved you. Isn't it wrong to remember your predator as good?

Can I still consider you a decent person after what you did? Can I smile while remembering a joke you made? Can I smile remembering how much you cared for those in need? Can I smile thinking about how you would tell me stories as I drifted to sleep?

I don't have the answers to these questions. I did everything with you. Every game, every book, every anime I love is tainted with memories of you. Can I still enjoy them knowing I shared them with the man who raped me?

Am I allowed to love the man who assaulted me?

How should I remember you? Boyfriend or rapist?

Is it possible for you to be both?


National Suicide Hotline: 1 (800) 273-8255 - available 24/7

Report this Content
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

The Boyfriends Of The 2000s

Thank you, J14, for the Posters

J14 magazine

Every girl remembers her first crush. Even if your first crush was the boy in your kindergarten class that ate crayons, your first true love will always be the one that holds the key to your heart. Growing up in the 2000s, everyone knew who your dream guy was. Your family probably still give you grief and your best friends probably still reminisce, so it is impossible to forget your first celebrity crush. You bought a Tiger Beat magazine every chance you could just to read up about what your favorite celebrity was doing. Your room was fully decorated with posters of them, and it wasn't unusual to have fights with your best friends over who was going to marry him. If you were a 90's baby, lucky you because the 2000s were full of boys that were easy to love. I hope you enjoy a walk down memory lane and quickly realize that Bieber was definitely not the first guy with that hair cut. Here are 15 90's baby's first boyfriends.

Keep Reading... Show less
Student Life

20 Things I Learned By The Start of My 20s

No one expects you to have your life together by the time you're 20, because honestly, they didn't either.

Allyson Foutty

We are all often faced with many life challenges throughout the time leading up to our 20s. Before this time, and throughout it, we often look back at the things we've learned and how they've influenced who we are as people today. Some of my biggest influences were some of the challenges I've faced, but they've taught me 20 important things by the start of my 20s.

Keep Reading... Show less

The Boyfriend Recipe

The ingredients to build a relationship are a little more complicated than just a bouquet of flowers and a box of candy.


Relationships. Long distance or not, significant others are much more than just that. I would be lying if I said I did not love the sweet gestures that only a boyfriend can give. The flowers, funny phone calls, hand holding, breakfast dates, and tight hugs are special but my relationship and many others out there exist on much more than just these little gestures. It is a tricky concoction that consists of one part boyfriend and two parts best friend and would not work without one part or the other. While having a relationship may not be quite as easy as baking a batch of cookies, it has its own recipe (with a few variations for flavor) to follow for a good match.

Keep Reading... Show less
google images

Fashion just keeps growing and changing and old trends are made new! Now, I'm no beauty guru, just a beauty guru wannabe, but personally I have compiled some stylish wardrobe must haves! These can be cute assets to go back to school or just to catch up on some of the latest trends...

Keep Reading... Show less
Student Life

There's More To A Relationship Than Netflix

Summertime is only 93 days of the year, Find something to do!

Tallie Ammar

Summertime is ideal for more than just hanging out and binging your favorite TV series with your friends. Although summer does bring rain and thunderstorms which is perfect for those binging days, take advantage of those nice and sunny days. There is so many opportunities to get out of the house and enjoy the season before the snow starts to come back. Here are 25 interesting dates that are doable almost anywhere for any age.

Keep Reading... Show less

Subscribe to Our Newsletter

Facebook Comments