Living in Texas, we don’t get actual snow this time of year — except for when the planets align, Mercury isn’t in retrograde, and pigs have started flying. But as the holidays creep closer and closer, the end of the semester begins to snowball, compounding on itself and creating the perfect storm for stress and dissatisfaction. Classes seem to pile on work at ever-faster rates, trying to fit in all the things we have yet to get to and now have only four weeks to accomplish. People start talking about final tests and projects. Family calls, wanting to make plans for the holidays, and this year, you really aren’t sure you’re looking forward to being at home for the first time in months. You start getting antsy at how busy and social the next few weekends are, and start thinking about those weekends back in September when you would’ve given anything to have plans with friends instead of another date with your laptop and your bed.
It’s November of junior year, and I feel like I’m running out of time. Running out of time to finish assignments; out of time to prepare for finals; out of time and energy to spend with my suitemates and friends; out of time to develop new friendships and get to know people outside of my usual circle. Running out of time to write for fun, to read things just for the sake of enjoyment, to catch up with people leisurely, to spend most of a Sunday not doing homework. Yes, I’m stressed, but that’s OK; it’s manageable, just do the work on time, and it’ll be fine. But what’s really getting to me is that I’m unsatisfied. I feel like I’ve had to spend so much time on assignments, social events, and projects for other people and arbitrary, externally imposed reasons, that I haven’t had the time to really delve into and make progress with the things I really care about for myself.
Could I have made time for all these things and these people? Maybe. But honestly, I’m not sure where the hours would’ve come from. I find myself caught in this weird sort of stasis, where each day is moving too fast, but big milestones seem as far away as ever. A year and a half until graduation seems like a lifetime, and like the blink of an eye. What am I going to do with myself after I finish school? Other than some ideas about where I want to be and what I’d like to do, I can’t do anything about this at this point. And that’s so frustrating. In the meantime, I find myself in a repetitive cycle of assignments for classes I have a hard time investing myself fully in, getting in the way of the work I wish I was doing and want to devote more time and energy to.
It’s important to be present, to enjoy moments, without worrying about what’s next and what’s coming. But how are we supposed to do that when every other text, Facebook notification, and conversation is about something in the future? I know I’m having a hard time striking a balance between the two. It’s been a good semester; I’m doing work I’m interested in (for the most part), and have succeeded in having more of a life (although this sometimes is more stressful than fun). Maybe worrying about how quickly time is flying by is in part what’s keeping me from really enjoying the time I have left. The rest of the semester, I plan on taking a little bit at a time. Finals will come, and so will the holidays, no matter what. It’s probably (hopefully) for the best not to be too worried about them right now, or to dwell on them. And I think it’s important, too, to make time for the people and experiences and work I really care about and want to invest in, even though it’ll be hard to fit it all in with everything else I’m already doing. There’s no good reason the end of the semester can’t be as good as the beginning; the trick is in finding ways to make time slow down a little bit, and enjoy these next few weeks for what they are, while they last.
