You know that sinking feeling when you discover your worst fears have come true? I certainly do. After this happened a few times in my past relationships, I felt that every time I had a sneaking suspicion that my partner was cheating or no longer loved me it must be true. It had been true in the past.
However, it wasn't true now. Now, it was just my insecurities and me. This nervous, heartbroken state is no mental place to be when you're in a relationship---especially if you want that relationship to be healthy. It's taken me years to rid myself of my toxic thought-patterns, but I know it is possible to be in a relationship without them. Here's my tips on how you can be confident in your current relationship without feeling the lingering stains of the past.
First, you need to understand that doubts are normal. Wondering if you'd be happier single or in another relationship happens to everyone---but it's important to recognize when this thought-pattern becomes abnormal. If you are constantly comparing yourself to your significant other's friends, past relationships, etc., then you are reinforcing your own insecurity.
Trust that your significant other chose you for you. If they wanted someone else, they'd be with someone else. At the end of the day, you can't stop what they do. Even though I know my boyfriend will never cheat on me, I take comfort knowing it is not my place to control his actions and if he does do something wrong, I will make a decision about how I want to move forward if that happens. There is no point in wasting emotional energy on something that hasn't happened.
Another crucial element to becoming a stronger you is to spend more time with yourself. If your thoughts are consumed by what you're doing wrong in your relationship, if you're good enough, and whether your relationship will last: you are losing yourself. Of course you're not the best girlfriend/boyfriend/partner you could be---because you aren't taking time to be the person your significant other fell in love with.
I've found that journaling has helped me boost confidence. Everyday I write a series of affirmations. These affirmations remind myself that I'm enough, as well as encourage me to do more things for myself---like going on a run, making a healthy meal, or catching up with friends.
Remember, it is okay to seek validation from your significant other. Let them in on your thoughts and insecurities. If they belittle you for having these feelings, they're not worth your time. Someone who truly loves you will listen and reassure you as needed. Check-in with your partner, too! You never know if they're silently having the same wonders as you. Open communication is a great way to build trust---which is the feeling you have craved so long in a relationship.
You deserve to feel comfortable in your relationship. And while you can't control other people, you can control yourself.