Being a citizen of the digital age has made confrontation less and less frequent and more and more awkward. Nowadays, all you have to do to notify someone that you’re perturbed is text the letter K. Don’t get me wrong—I have never been a big fan of confrontation.
“Jenna is so docile,” I remember hearing my mother say at family barbecues, ”she is afraid of confronting anyone," she would exclaim as I sunk into my chair at the children’s table in no mood or state to confront her or anyone else laughing at her statement. I have always considered myself to be a peaceful person, avoiding arguments whenever possible. I have lived my life with the mentality that it is better to protect the wellbeing of others than to address my own feelings. However, now that I am older, I am much more open to addressing issues in my own life, as well as encouraging my peers to do the same.
As I mature (I hopefully am maturing), I come to realize that there are people in my life who are negative. I have also learned that lessening someone’s impact on your life does not necessarily mean that you have to cut him or her out entirely—but rather that you have to lessen his or her influence on you. So, if every time you hang out with Sally she makes you feel insecure, you should probably stop hanging out with Sally. Something like this seems very simple, but too often we put the needs of others before ourselves. Frankly, if you are not putting anything into the friendship, Sally is not getting anything out of it and you, therefore, owe it to her and yourself to slowly cut ties. If you want to get coffee with Sally every now and then, go for it. But talking about how much you can't stand Sally, while refusing to confront her about it, is helping no one.
When you’re in college you are bound to encounter many people and naturally, some of these people will rub you the wrong way. When this happens, your best possible option is to confront them. In terms of confronting someone, it is very important that you are neither passive-aggressive or aggressive in your approach. Fortunately, in my experience, a minority of the confrontations I have had have been aggressive. That being said, I have been a part of many passive-aggressive situations in my mere 20 years of life—many of them my own fault. I have unfortunately been known to use the passive-aggressive approach a bit too often and have become very good at it. Although I do recognize my talent at making people feel guilty through manipulation, I have learned that it is often ineffective. Passive-aggressive confrontations prolong your situation and require much more thought and effort than necessary. I spent countless moments of my adolescent life wondering how many letters in a text message would let my friend know that I was upset. All of this could have been avoided if only I had simply told her that her poke war with my crush was crossing the line.
When confronting someone, you are better off being direct (but don't forget to be understanding at the same time). That means that you should use “I” statements. For example, if Jack just won’t stop copying your homework, instead of saying “Jack you’re dumb, do your own homework,” try saying “I feel as though you are taking advantage of our friendship.” No one responds well when they feel as though they are being attacked.
Confrontation is rarely fun and oftentimes makes people feel uncomfortable. That anxious feeling you get right before you are going to confront someone—that is completely normal. However, the relief that you feel once confrontation is over is almost always worth it. As we get older, we need to learn how to compartmentalize our lives as well as our relationships. In order to do this effectively, we will need to confront people and we will need to do so effectively and respectfully.
