Nobody likes being the outlier because, well, it sucks. Plain and simple. It’s hard enough to make conversation in a world where our phones act as our eyes and a handshake has been turned into a “dap” (in all honesty, I’m still trying to figure out what that means). My point is, it’s hard enough to converse, but even more so when you already feel uncomfortable in the place you call “home.” Well, if you can call a dirt-ridden, booze-soaked apartment a home, that is.
Since most colleges expect you to find awkward pairings of four or six roommates come your upperclassmen years, it’s easy to find yourself dealing with a slew of personalities in a less-than-natural living space. If you’re like me and find yourself constantly trying to make conversation, always feeling like the awkward add-on, well, there’s just no real solution to that impending feeling of awkwardness. Thankfully, though, I’ve learned you can’t blame others for feeling like that obnoxious gnat that keeps flying around the mid-summer picnic basket.
I knew I’d hit roommate rock-bottom when I found myself using my friends shower caddy at every 8 A.M. wake-up and after every late-night workout, all the way across campus. Oh, not to mention the consistently growing piles of clothing scattered about the room that make the walking from the light switch to bed feel like a bootcamp obstacle course.
My first night away from my assigned living space was upsetting. First, I felt like a burden asking my friend, “Hey, can I stay over tonight?” Second, I was mad, mad that my roommates made me feel isolated so often, regardless of my constant desire to be a part of what felt like the most exclusive, VIP club known to western New York: if those even exist out here in snow central.
As time went on, and I endured countless times trying to sneak into my apartment to grab tomorrow's outfit, I started to realize I couldn't blame others for my own, strangely uncontrollable feelings.
Sure, it’d be nice to be included more because it sucks to be the only one not offered a slice of greasy pizza or to tag along for a night out, but I guess that’s just how life works. Unfortunately, we live in a world where “How good can I make people feel today?” isn’t exactly everyone's first, early-morning thought. Plus, if we’re being honest, it isn’t always mine.
We’ve got tests to take and papers to push, treadmills to trod on and, even from hundreds of miles away, parents to please.
We’re wrapped up in this whirlwind of work and we’re slaves to the schedules college forces us into. So, I’ve realized I can’t harbor ill-will towards the people who forget to reach out and who I now only see in passing. We all have a friend who's waited for a text they never received or an invite they’ve never been granted and, sometimes, we don’t even know were the catalyst to their feeling of exclusion.
And, so, while I still get upset from time to time -- because I’m human -- I try to remind myself it’s all about intent.
Everyone's accountable for their own feelings and nobody makes you upset. Rather, you allow yourself to be made upset. Plus, sometimes you have to speak up and make yourself known because waiting for an invite might mean never receiving one.
For me, a temporary move-out gave me peace of mind -- the piece of mind I needed to spend time back in the place I was made to call "home."
