Last semester, the spring semester of my freshman year of college, I ended the year with a bang. I was suffering through some of the greatest levels of stress and anxiety that I’ve ever dealt with. As I grew up as a kid, I unintentionally developed habits of that caused me excessive stress. When I came to college, I was confident that the need to survive on my own would help me kick my bad habits and I would be able to keep my stress at bay. On the contrary, this belief that I could magically switch to being someone capable of handling everything, without help and without flaw, did not turn out to be true whatsoever.
Like I said, I finished last semester surviving on 2-4 hours of sleep a night. This spiraled into me being overwrought with worry, exhaustion, and lack of attention and focus and interest. I wanted more than anything to go home.
Over the summer, I almost felt traumatized by the difficulty of the semester. I was horrified at the prospect of going back to school. In the face of this fear, I did some talking with a counselor, and I instilled new habits that train me to exist in a way that’s calmer, stronger, and happier.
1. I Change Perfectionism to “Good Enough.”
I am absolutely a perfectionist. This can get me way out of control.
Instead of staying up until 4am working on a paper until it’s “perfect,” when I can barely keep my eyes open, I now choose to decide that it’s good enough.
Instead of trying to decorate my room and agonize over every decision until my dorm “perfectly” represents my unique identity, I remind myself that it is, realistically, only four walls to hold all my stuff.
Literally everything I do is Good Enough and Perfection isn't real; chasing this unattainable construct only brings me more distress.
2. I Get Rid of Should Statements.
The more I tell myself that I “should” be doing something, I “should’ve done this,” “I "should" be more like this,” I “should not” be this upset right now, the more upset I become. I don’t go around telling other people what they “should” do. Therefore, it is just as hurtful for me to use this harsh language against myself. Should statements make me feel awful about myself; the more I use should statements, the more I beat myself I up. Feeling good enough for myself is dependent on me eliminating this language from my vocabulary.
3. I Convince Myself that it’s Okay to Not Feel Happy All the Time.
One of the most significant things that I learned this summer is to not hold myself to the standard of never feeling bad feelings ever. This isn't realistic. Everyone has crappy moments in their day, like when breakfast ends before noon, or when I have to walk to four different printers to find one that works. This does not mean that I’m not a happy person, or that I’m not happy enough. (A favored quote of mine that applies perfectly here is “some of us is not the sum of us,” spoken by Tavis Smiley.) Everyone feels sad or angry or indifferent or less than emphatic at different points in their day. It’s not “messed up,” wrong, selfish, wasteful, or stupid to feel a variety of different (and completely normal and valid) emotions in one day. A bad morning does not mean that I have to have a bad day, and a bad night does not mean that I had a bad day.
4. I Recognize the Difference between Adaptive and Maladaptive.
A lot of habits that I’ve developed over the years started out as things to help me, and later turned on me and became habits I was stuck in despite the fact that they’d become more stressful than helpful. My biggest example of this is making lists. I’m a huge fan of lists. (My mom calls me “eLISTabeth.”) However, after a while, my to-do lists become dictators and control my life too heavily. I begin to realize that no one decision will, or has to, carry enough weight to make or break my day. Nothing that I do or don’t do on my checklist has to monumentally impact my day. Breaking down this concept of what truly helps me and makes my life better, and realizing that what has been adaptive in my life is now maladaptive, helps me have an easier time moving past my lists and just living, without the need to double check that I’ve done everything right.
5. I Get Enough Sleep and Treat my Days like Work Days.
Lastly, and most importantly, I give myself a bedtime and a time more specifically allotted for my work. I trust that no matter how much “easier” it feels to push through into the early hours of the morning, it’ll feel loads better to go to bed at midnight and get up at 6-or-so to finish my homework, than it does to go to bed at 4am and only wake up 20 minutes before class starts. I plan realistically now, not optimistically. Optimistic planning may sound nice-- I mean sure, it’d be nice to have all my homework done tonight and no need to wake up early, but realistic planning keeps me sane.
Last semester, I didn't believe that I needed balance in my life, I just believed that I needed to get everything done, perfectly. I open on this semester with a new focus, and a new drive to be healthy and kind to myself. I may not be able to see where I’m going yet, but I’m on my way.
