I owe myself an apology. More specifically, I owe my body an apology. Technically I owe it thousands of apologies for the thousands of times I've hated it, hid it, tried to change it, pushed it, starved it, stuffed it, and made fun of it.
I'm sorry for the hateful image I've given you. I'm sorry for taking you for granted and for abusing you because you didn't look the way I wanted you to. I'm sorry for all the times I thought you weren't beautiful enough; I'm sorry I didn't appreciate your health. I got so backwards trying to be someone I'm not. I got sucked in so deep into the world's ideals that I looked at you as if you were this huge glob of disgust. I'm sorry for every time I skipped a meal and for every time I denied you anything sweet or yummy. I'm sorry for not believing in you.
When we think about it, we're really hard on ourselves. It's easy to look at ourselves and not be satisfied. Today's beauty standard is insane - everyone wants flat abs but also a perfect, huge butt. In what world do proportions like that exist? That just sounds unrealistic to me.
Not everyone has that body type, and not everyone is going to look like the "ideal woman." Since when is "skinny" the only beautiful body type? Since when do women have to wear makeup to feel pretty? And since when is it so wrong to just look like myself? These are questions I ask myself when I think back on who I used to be.
I wanted to be super model thin. I've been that obsessive person before - never missing a day at the gym, hating myself for eating a cookie. But that's not me. I soon came to realize that my relationship with food had completely changed. Then one day I just said screw it. Screw the standard. I am beautiful. I can eat a cookie if I want to. Heck, I could eat a whole cake if I wanted to. I'm going to live in the body that God gave me, not because it's perfect but because it's mine. I'm going to take pride in my body, and I'm going to take advantage of the ability to dance and swim and eat cookies.
I'm never going to be perfect - nobody is. But for me to continue hating myself and denying my body its rest isn't healthy. I don't owe validation to anyone but myself. I don't need to look the way society wants me to, because the way I feel now is vibrant and healthy. And I think that's good enough for me.
