10 Thoughts Creeping Into My Bed At 1 AM, Courtesy Of My Anxiety

10 Thoughts Creeping Into My Bed At 1 AM, Courtesy Of My Anxiety

It is going to be a long night.

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We have all gone through a night where no matter how hard you try, you just can't sleep. There is too much going on in our lives and it starts to creep into our subconscious which keeps us wired. Hopefully, the morning will come up soon and then we can get out lives together.

1. Did I do the reading for tomorrow?

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Well, I better look up Sparks Notes on my way to class.

2. What does he mean by, “Whatever”?

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Is he mad at me? Why isn't he responding?

3. It’s my senior year and I STILL don’t know what I’m doing

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Am I even going to use my degree after I cross the stage?

4. Why is it so hot in here?

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*throws blanket off* "Now I'm freezing!

5. Wait! *looks at clock* it’s 11:30...(assignment due at 11:59)

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*Jumps out of bed and rushes to desk*

6. I should just drop out and work at a club

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People will pay for almost anything.

7. What is *insert best friend* wearing for class?

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I can't decide if I want to look good for the one class I'm going to, or bum it.

8. I shouldn’t have had that second Dunkin Donuts coffee

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It was so worth it though...not. Just go to sleep!

9. I am 21 years old and am already planning the rest of my life

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"So, if I wanna have my kid when I'm 35, I don't have to get pregnant until I'm 34. Which gives Prada four years to start making maternity clothes! Oh wait, but I do want to be married for a year before I get pregnant... so I don't have to get married until I'm 33! That's three years, that's three whole years—Oh, wait a minute though. I'll need a year and a half to plan the wedding, and I'd like to know the guy for a year, year and a half before we get engaged… Which means I need to meet the guy by the time I'm thirty." -Rachel Green, Friends

10. Crap! I have to call the Doctor's office in the morning

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I can miss an appointment, right? I don't know why my 10 year old self wanted to become an adult so badly.

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To The Person Who Feels Suicidal But Doesn't Want To Die

Suicidal thoughts are not black and white.
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Everyone assumes that if you have suicidal thoughts that means you want to die.

Suicidal thoughts are thought of in such black-and-white terms. Either you have suicidal thoughts and you want to die, or you don't have suicidal thoughts and you want to live. What most people don't understand is there are some stuck in the gray area of those two statements, I for one am one of them.

I've had suicidal thoughts since I was a kid.

My first recollection of it was when I came home after school one day and got in trouble, and while I was just sitting in the dining room I kept thinking, “I wonder what it would be like to take a knife from the kitchen and just shove it into my stomach." I didn't want to die, or even hurt myself for that matter. But those thoughts haven't stopped since.

I've thought about going into the bathroom and taking every single pill I could find and just drifting to sleep and never waking back up, I've thought about hurting myself to take the pain away, just a few days ago on my way to work I thought about driving my car straight into a tree. But I didn't. Why? Because even though that urge was so strong, I didn't want to die. I still don't, I don't want my life to end.

I don't think I've ever told anyone about these feelings. I don't want others to worry because the first thing anyone thinks when you tell them you have thoughts about hurting or killing yourself is that you're absolutely going to do it and they begin to panic. Yes, I have suicidal thoughts, but I don't want to die.

It's a confusing feeling, it's a scary feeling.

When the depression takes over you feel like you aren't in control. It's like you're drowning.

Every bad memory, every single thing that hurt you, every bad thing you've ever done comes back and grabs you by the ankle and drags you back under the water just as you're about the reach the surface. It's suffocating and not being able to do anything about it.

The hardest part is you never know when these thoughts are going to come. Some days you're just so happy and can't believe how good your life is, and the very next day you could be alone in a dark room unable to see because of the tears welling up in your eyes and thinking you'd be better off dead. You feel alone, you feel like a burden to everyone around you, you feel like the world would be better off without you. I wish it was something I could just turn off but I can't, no matter how hard I try.

These feelings come in waves.

It feels like you're swimming and the sun is shining and you're having a great time until a wave comes and sucks you under into the darkness of the water. No matter how hard you try to reach the surface again a new wave comes and hits you back under again, and again, and again.

And then it just stops.

But you never know when the next wave is going to come. You never know when you're going to be sucked back under.

I always wondered if I was the only one like this.

It didn't make any sense to me, how did I think about suicide so often but not want to die? But I was thinking about it in black and white, I thought I wasn't allowed to have those feelings since I wasn't going to act on them. But then I read articles much like this one and I realized I'm not the only one. Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, and my feelings are valid.

To everyone who feels this way, you aren't alone.

I thought I was for the longest time, I thought I was the only one who felt this way and I didn't understand how I could feel this way. But please, I implore you to talk to someone, anyone, about the way you're feeling, whether it be a family member, significant other, a friend, a therapist.

My biggest mistake all these years was never telling anyone how I feel in fear that they would either brush me off because “who could be suicidal but not want to die?" or panic and try to commit me to a hospital or something. Writing this article has been the greatest feeling of relief I've felt in a long time, talking about it helps. I know it's scary to tell people how you're feeling, but you're not alone and you don't have to go through this alone.

Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, your feelings are valid, and there are people here for you. You are not alone.

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255


Cover Image Credit: BengaliClicker

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Your Happiness Should Not Be Dependent On Others

Happy mind, happy life.

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As humans, we are always growing, evolving and changing. Whether you're 20 or 60, you're a different and more developed person than what you were two or three years ago. While we are growing and changing, we're looking for happiness. We're humans, that's what we do. We want to be happy and loved and needed. The question is why are we always looking for happiness when we can create it?

We often rely on others for our happiness. Usually, that's a significant other or a best friend. Maybe it's our parents. I believe that nothing lasts forever so when we rely on someone else for our happiness, we start to think we need that person. We can't live without them, they make us whole, blah blah blah. But what happens when you're boyfriend breaks up with you? You're best friend moves away or you're parents die? Now what? Life goes on no matter how much you relied on that person.

Stop looking for happiness in other people when you can create it yourself. You don't need your "amazing" boyfriend that's cheated on you two times now. You once lived without him. Just because you're best friend moved away doesn't mean you can't still be friends or create more friends and let's face it, death is inevitable and you're life will go on when your parents pass.

I have a proposition for you. Try building an empire within yourself. Find yourself, heal yourself and most importantly, love yourself. Be passionate about your life. Try new things, grow your friendships, meet new people, make memories, push yourself outside of your comfort zone.

Have you ever done stuff on your own with no shame? Go to lunch by yourself, exercise, go shopping, the options are endless. Do what makes you happy. Whether that's having a relationship with God or The Universe. Maybe it's that donut that you don't need, but really want or spending your paycheck right after it goes into your bank account. Whatever it is, do it for you.

You don't need other people to make you happy. Worry about loving yourself, instead of loving the idea of other people loving you. Besides, it takes very little to make a happy life. Start by letting go of the past and focusing on your way of thinking.

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