Growing up with anxiety is hard enough, but nobody really tells you how to deal with it once you get to college. People make comments like, “Oh, anxiety is just a part of the college experience” and “Everyone has anxiety!” What they fail to understand is that yes, students may be anxious and there is a level of anxiety that comes with being a college student, but having an actual anxiety disorder is not “part of the college experience.”
As someone with an anxiety disorder who is relatively new to the college scene, I am learning how to manage that overwhelming feeling of crippling self-doubt when it comes to professors, friendships, relationships, and my own sense of self.
I spent a relatively decent portion of my high school career quietly and anxiously observing my peers. It wasn’t until my senior year of high school that I really tried to break out of my shell and conquer the cycle of my anxiety. Throughout high school I always had a nagging feeling that nobody really cared what I had to say. I surrounded myself with a very close knit group of friends, most a year younger than me, and rarely strayed from them. My anxiety created such a sense of self-doubt that at times I was incapable of even talking to people. I was told that this made me seem “bitchy” and “pretentious”. I assumed that people didn’t care what I had to say or preferred not to hang out with me. I withdrew. I shutdown. I didn’t give those around me a chance to formulate their own opinions on the real me, I only let them see the quiet anxiety that overwhelmed me.
As I was finishing high school I began to establish comfortable friendships with people that I had perceived never really cared to speak to me or to include me. Though these friendships were important to me─ and several still are ─their role in my life began to change as I prepared to move 375 miles away to face the challenges of acceptance as I embarked on my freshman year of college.
The daunting task of leaving everything I had known to begin my new life was now approaching and my anxiety was at an all-time high. Nothing terrified me more than the idea of going away and not finding my place. People with anxiety don’t just get nervous; we over think and over analyze every situation, always assuming the worst.
When I began as a freshman, I opted to begin in the summer. This was by far the best and most beneficial choice I could have made for myself. My random summer roommate is to this day one of my best friends, as well as one of my favorite people on this planet. Getting a random roommate as fantastic as she was really helped ease my anxiety, as she accepted me immediately, quirks and all. As we began the daunting experience of life as college freshman, my anxiety was on full alert. I once again went inward, painfully shy. I couldn’t even manage to introduce myself, anxiously assuming my presence went unnoticed.
As I met more and more people, I grew more comfortable with myself and my presence. There was still, and will always be, the voice in the back of my mind that assumes that the cute boy talking to my friends and I won’t remember my name. The voice in my head claiming that I’m not as attractive as my friends, why would they care to know my name?
As the fall semester started my anxiety went through the roof. My mom moved from the home I grew up in to North Carolina, and my new roommate and I didn’t have the best relationship. I felt like I didn’t have a home. But, my now best friend, who I met through my summer roommate, made this still strange place feel like home.
Through our friendship I learned that even if you have a million acquaintances finding that one person, who makes a strange place feel like home just by their presence, is vital – it creates a safe, welcoming space. I discovered fundamental keys that aided my transitioning to this new chapter of my life, keys that I will always carry with me. As DJ Khaled says, I found my keys to success. These included finding people who eased my anxiety, separating myself from the ones who caused chaos and finding the balance between assuming people won’t like me, to knowing I'll be okay if they don’t.
Although my anxiety will never truly disappear, it is no longer such a burden. I know I’m not the only person with this voice. This anxiety-voice that sometimes makes human interactions seem so exhausting. I know that as I grow, this voice will continue to subside as I continue to find my people and my place.
