They say that all things get better with time, however, when it comes to living with an anxiety disorder, this is not always a true statement.
I have struggled my whole life with an anxiety disorder that I did not know I had. It wasn't until about 2 years ago that I was first told that I had a problem with anxiety. The specific disorder they diagnosed me with is called GAD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
I'll tell you a little bit about what it means to suffer with this specific disorder. It means feeling anxious from the moment that you wake up in the morning to the time you go to sleep at night. It means feeling completely irrational about most of your decisions and not being able to stop feeling that way, no matter how hard you try. It means feeling like a prisoner inside of your own mind; as if you are drowning in the weight of your worries and insecurities. It is feeling like you can't breathe without even understanding why.
I find that, all too often, people make light of anxiety. They speak about it as if it is something that you can have on and off; as if it isn't a very real problem that many people truly suffer with day in and day out. As a society, we have made people who truly suffer with this disorder feel as if they are alone. We have caused people to feel as if they cannot talk about their anxiety because it would make them look weak. We have made an entire group of people feel like outcasts.
You see, anxiety does not discriminate when it comes to who it affects. People from every walk of life, every race, every nationality, men and women are all affected by this horrible disorder. We as a society need to do a better job of addressing this issue because no one should be made to feel as if they are a burden on the world because of their anxiety. People should not have to apologize for being in pain; even if other people cannot see that pain.
Anxiety is not something that is funny or light; it is made up of a lot of heavy, ugly emotions that are painful to experience. I have had days where it is hard to get out of bed because the weight of having to face people is just too much. I have had breakdowns so strong that I couldn't catch my breath. I have had days where I just go through the motions secretly panicking on the inside. I have struggled with relationships my entire life because my anxiety makes it so hard for me to allow anyone to get close to me.
Living with this disorder is not fun, it does not make for good stories or jokes; it is walking through Hell some days and not being able to see the light. It is being so thankful for the good days where laughter is easy and smiles are abundant because those days do not come often. It is thanking God for the people who love you because without them you wouldn't make it through.
It took me a long time to accept my anxiety for what it is and to be okay with where I am right now. If I am being honest, I am far from understanding everything about my anxiety. I don't think I ever will, and that is okay. I know that there will be days where it hurts to even breathe, but I also know that there will be days where the feeling of the sun on my skin and the wind in my hair will bring immense joy. The amazing feeling of being alive on those beautiful days gets me through the bad ones.
If you are struggling with anxiety, please know that you are not alone. No one should ever have to feel as if their pain is unimportant because you and your life are beautiful and priceless. Please, if you are reading this, know that I am here for you.
"You are not weak just because your heart feels so heavy." - Andrea Gibson
