In January of 2016, I received a diagnosis that would change my life. After suffering with the symptoms for so long, I finally decided to seek answers and help. After completing a few different questionnaires, and a few hard discussions with my doctor, she diagnosed me with generalized anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder, social anxiety, and panic disorder. Even though I knew the diagnosis was coming, it was still really hard for me to have it confirmed by a professional.
The care I received from my doctor was amazing. She didn’t make me feel like I was any less of a person because of my mental health issues. Actually, she told me I was amazing for being strong enough to admit it to her and to seek help before they got worse. Even though anxiety and depression have become recognized disabilities by the ADA, (Americans with Disabilities Act) I have never considered myself to have a disability. Now, I am in no way saying that it is not a disability, because I know how debilitating it can be. I am merely saying that I personally do not consider myself to be disabled. My anxiety and depression are well managed with medication and therapy. Of course, I still have a few days that are harder than others, but they are nothing like they used to be.
After receiving my diagnoses, naturally, I went to the internet to research everything I could about anxiety specifically. Even though I have depression, it has not been nearly as hard for me to deal with as my anxiety. One thing that I found in my research was something called high functioning anxiety. Reading about it, I realized that I had been affected for my entire life, but I had no idea.
High functioning anxiety presents itself in many forms. My entire life, I was told how bright I was and how far I would go in life. In reality, I was no smarter than anyone else. When I got to a “smart kids school” in sixth grade, I realized I was no smarter than my peers and it triggered something in me. I had to be the smartest and the best and the top of the class because that was what was expected of me. I threw myself into studying to try to keep up with my peers. I struggled to balance being a cheerleader with being a straight A student at one of the hardest schools in the city. In my mind, I was failing because it was hard for me, and if I was really so smart, it should be easy like it always had been.
Those three years taught me a lot about myself, and taught me that it’s okay to let go of certain things. I gave up cheerleading in eighth grade to give myself more time to study. More than once, my dad caught me in my room crying over my homework because I just didn’t get it. My senior year, I was still struggling with it all. My dad caught me bawling in my room because I didn’t understand my AP Physics homework, and I was going to be a hobo because I would never graduate. Naturally, he laughed at me. He told me that I was being too hard on myself and that missing one homework assignment was not going to make me fail out of school and end up on the streets. My high functioning anxiety showed itself through the years, through me trying to do everything, my perfectionism, my overachievement, my smiles. I knew how to hide how stressed I was and put on a good face. Cheerleading taught me how to smile through the pain, and boy, did I smile through it.
When I moved to Orlando to pursue my bachelor’s degree, I thought I had a handle on my anxiety. However, the stress of moving away from all of my family and friends to a brand new place where I knew virtually no one kicked it into overdrive. I began to miss class because I couldn’t stop crying long enough to get ready. I called out of work a few times because I couldn’t drive in the state I was in. That’s when I knew something had to change. Being put on medication was the best thing that could have happened to me. Very slowly, my anxiety began to fade. Even now, after being on the medication for a little over a year, I can still sense it in the background of my mind. If I miss a day or more, I start to go back to the person I was before I took the medication.
If anyone reading this is suffering silently with anxiety or depression, please, please, please get help. No matter what your brain might be telling you, doctors are there to listen to you and help you, and they will not dismiss you as someone looking for attention. So many people are affected by mental illnesses and are afraid to seek help because they fear judgement. If you need a friend to go with you, I’m here.
